Letters to Heaven

Thursday, June 19, 2014

short 'n sweet

Dear Mom,

Today is Thursday and it's my 35th birthday too. This would have been the perfect day to spend together with my children, and you. Tuesdays & Thursdays were almost always our days. I would be here, at your house, as I am now. You would be here enjoying my new baby daughter and Joshua's silliness. I would be straightening up or cleaning a little bit for you (even though it was my birthday) and you would plan to treat me to lunch at one our favorite local places like Roy's or Capri. You would have little treats and surprises to make the day special, probably some crazy cute socks and maybe some bath & body stuff or nail polish sets.

And, as much as I'm missing you still, I am all the more grateful that I had 33 birthdays with my Mom in my life. You made each and every one of them special - even the last one when you were in your very darkest hours and days you still called to wish me a happy birthday. You were trying to be happy and upbeat for me not to worry so much about your sickness. I want to thank you for your generous and selfless spirit and for being the most beautiful and loving Mom anyone could ever want. If I am even half the amazing Mom you are then my kids are super lucky. (I'm still trying to figure all that out).

I miss you every hour of every day, but especially on the special days that I know if you were here, would be very different for me. I cherish those memories more than anyone can imagine. I know you are still with me in spirit, and with the family, I can feel that. I know you hear me too even when I don't say it out loud. God has designed the soul like that. He's pretty awesome, too.

As always I'm talking to you all the time. I love you, Mom. Thank you for giving me the best birthday memories any girl could ask for. Memories I can carry in my heart and share with my children too.

Night :)

My #tbt pic I shared on facebook today. My 2nd birthday, 1981. A cake you made. amazing ;)

Monday, June 9, 2014

my tat journey, step 1.

Step 1. Consult & back story.

Before now I would not gladly talk about the scar tattoo that’s on the outer part of my right leg. But, after today, there is hope and excitement to turn this ugliness into something beautiful, but more importantly something with a lot of meaning to me. This piece will also end up being something very rare & unique considering all of the aspects that are going into the process, which is why I’m blogging about it. I just met with Jackie @Black Lotus Tattoo shop in Severn, MD. I’m thankful I have the opportunity to create something amazing with an amazing artist. Jackie was hired by Halo (owner of Black Lotus and featured on last season’s “ink master”), specifically for her work on cover-up tattoos. You can check out the shop and watch a short video on Jackie at http://www.blacklotustattoos.com/

Jackie has a degree in fine arts and she uses her talent and expertise to create one-of-a-kind works of art to help disguise and cover old tattoos and/or scars for her clients.

Although I will say that I had a little dose of reality today from my consultation, with good news & bad news. I have some apprehension, a little fear, and a little anxiety about this process. But, I’m going in… More on that later.

My story:

So, Summer-time brings warmer weather and exposed legs, which is something I have not been fond of the last decade (ish). I’ve always disliked showing the area of my leg that has been treated for tattoo removal.

I would get questions like “omg, what is that?”, or “What happened to your leg”. I have avoided pedicures at cheap random places because of this reason. I got tired of people always asking me about it. Or, I might have people try and guess what it is supposed to be… like the most recent one from one of the nurses, when I was in labor with Lydia, “is that a distorted Christmas Tree?”… Uhh, no… and then I feel like I have to give a short version of the story as an explanation as to why it looks exactly as it does in the present (so tired of this!!!). There really is no short way to tell the story either. I do have to give credible mention to Miss Maria at Emidio Vincenzo Escape Salon & Spa. From the first day of getting manis and pedis from her, Maria never questioned me at all, and she didn’t gawk or stare at that area on my leg even when she was right up next to it. I remember my first pedicure with her ever. I was just waiting for her to ask and getting ready to have to tell my embarrassing story once again, but she never asked me about it. I want to thank her sincerely for her class and respect for my privacy. It gave me the opportunity to share with her at my own leisure and comfort.

So how did my tattoo come about? I will try to keep this simple, but still detailed. So when I turned 18, yes I wanted to do the tattoo thing. I don’t think I wanted to do it because I was a little rebellious, I think at the time I just wanted to do it because I could and well, I liked tattoos. My first tattoo is on my left shoulder. It’s of Tiger lilies wrapped in water. I (still) love it. It was done by The Body Shop in Carroll County. My best friend at the time was dating the guy who worked at the shop, and I did not end up paying anything for the tattoo. I was very happy with it. It was pretty big for a first tattoo. But, I got through it. Well, the leg tattoo came about because a friend I was kinda dating, kinda not, at the time was just getting his tattoo career started. But, he was doing more Celtic design work at the time. I was looking through his tattoo magazines and I found a little fairy girl sitting on a rock. It was a bit detailed with the wings as far as coloring/shading goes. But, I thought it was so pretty and I wanted it on my ankle. Well, we did it and I was just not totally happy with the piece once it was completed. It did not replicate the one I chose. So, I lived with it for a while, well, until I heard about the possibility of a cover-up tattoo. So, back to The Body Shop I went, and ended up with a very traditional floral piece for the cover-up, but with it came a lot of heavy black and dark green shading in between the roses & other flowers. It was a teal & purple rose next to each other with hot pink and yellow smaller flowers on the top and bottom and lots of heavy dark shading in between (lots). Thinking back, maybe I would have kept it, but probably not. I just didn’t love it.

So, years later I heard about laser surgery tattoo removal. It seemed to be a relatively simple concept (yea right). I went to a couple of consultations and learned quickly it was going to cost a heck of a lot of money and no guarantee of complete removal given all the color my tattoo had. Also, other considerations go into laser removal like type of ink, brand, how deep the ink is, your skin type, etc. etc. A lot of your result ends up being unique to the individual. So, a plastic surgeon friend of the family was willing to try out his laser on me at a reasonable fee as more of making me his guinea pig, so I accepted! I have had probably 20 or more laser treatments and no more ink can be removed from my leg. The laser did what it did and the result is what I currently have. Going in with more laser treatments or trying a different type of removal treatment would not work because of how much that area has already been laser-treated, it’s, for lack of a better term, immune now to any other laser technology. Getting laser treatments is essentially damaging your skin tissue over and over again and the laser-treated area is just like one big scar. Black Lotus actually does feature a really cool Tat2Bgone laser removal system that is pretty painless, decent price and great results. Man if only I had waited!! But, I can’t change the past; I can only make decisions going forward with what I have to work with.

I never really wanted to share my story. Well now I am ready. It may seem silly but this tattoo represents many things to me. Not only does it represent the meaning behind the actual design of the flowers I am choosing, but it also has other meanings, like looking forward, accepting challenges, letting go of fear, and entering a new phase of my life.

This does bring me to one very important part. There is no guarantee with this process. The most laser treatments on skin that Jackie has ever tattooed have been 12-14 treatments. I haven’t had too many more than that though, so I have to believe it will be a similar situation. The other thing is even though Jackie specializes in cover-ups, mostly she’s covering up old tattoos, or other type of scars – she hasn’t tattooed over a lot of laser-treated skin areas which again is basically one large scar. I honestly did not count the amount of laser treatments I had. 20 is just a good guess.

Another issue is tattooing over laser-treated skin is generally more painful than getting ink on fresh skin. Although I will say when Jackie was rubbing my laser treated area and my fresh skin area, I had more feeling on the fresh skin as supposed to the scarred area. The scarred area almost seemed a little numb (probably a good thing in my case). And, even another aspect is that the tattoo may not look super bright once it’s healed – it may look more like a tattoo that’s 5 years old, or like a person’s tattoo with wrinkled skin, depending on texture of the scarred tissue. But, the most significant issue is that there is always a possibility the ink will not take well to the skin in the laser treated area. Jackie is planning to get in touch with the girl she tattooed a month ago over the laser treated area to see how hers healed. Jackie said she would know how difficult the tattoo will be as soon as she starts outlining. But, the other thing is that line work and shading can heal two different ways. As I was sitting there absorbing all of the information, I was completely thinking it wasn’t a good idea. But, then I started thinking that what is life without taking chances and having faith that things will work out. I’m sure people don’t pray to God about tattoos, but putting a little faith in him and in all the steps that have led me to this moment and this plan seemed like a good idea. If this works out, it could be truly beautiful.

I truly appreciated the honest information I was receiving.

Before I left my house I stuck cash in my wallet not even knowing if a deposit would be required to book a session and if so how much. It turned out that a cash deposit was required to book a session. I had the exact amount. I can’t explain it, but I just felt like I needed to go for it and not let my fear of all the unknowns hold me back. The first session is not until November 8^th; so in the meantime, I have a few things I can do to prepare my skin. Eat as clean as I can and keep hydrated. Things like coconut oil, almond oil, almonds themselves, extra virgin olive oil, anything with flax seed, sesame seed, omega 3’s, fatty acids – anything that is naturally good and will help to nourish the skin and get the blood vessels pumping. Jackie also suggested some scar creams. She recommended rejuvenesse, but I looked it up and it’s a bit expensive, so I found mederma has an overnight scar cream that should do similar what rejuvenesse does. Also, I can eat raw honey and / or apply it topically to the scarred area (not quite sure about the topical application). Vitamin E and Coconut oil products / lotions for the skin are good too. The Body Shop has a few of these products I could get. The idea is to get that area of my skin in the best shape it can be in before my first session. And, then pray it all turns out ok.

Onto some of the more exciting stuff is what am I going to get? Since Jackie is incredible at what she does, in terms of color & shading, design & creativity, I’m leaving it in her very capable hands. I’m just giving her the basics of what I want. Flowers, of course, is the easiest thing to do cover-ups with, especially an area like mine. You can manipulate the designs, the petals, and overlap as needed and still have a pretty piece. You can group them and cluster them together in various patterns and they work best. I am doing carnations (January’s flower for Lydia), then Larkspur or a Water Lily (July’s flowers for Joshua), and then violets or primrose (February’s flowers for Mom). Snowdrops were the other flower for January, but that would never work as they are very whimsical and simple in design and they are only white for realism. Carnations can be virtually any color and are denser and you can work with a lot of overlapping with the petals. A simple flower for sure, but a lot you can do creatively in tattooing while still keeping it real and covering more.

I want to remain optimistic. Jump in with me!

Tiger Lilies wrapped in water, my first tattoo.

my tattoo fund :) David put in his march madness winnings! :)

tattoo scar on leg

Monday, May 19, 2014

Rejuvination & weekend reflection

Well, it’s been a rather successful weekend as far as feeling rejuvenated, but mostly accomplished. I put together a weekend to-do list that wasn’t terribly overwhelming, and I broke up my chores over Saturday & Sunday, as well as spaced out the specific types of chores so it kept me going and gave me some variety.

I know I’m not alone here, but I struggle A LOT with wanting to do it ALL in one day. I feel like I’m constantly cleaning and working and doing and well, basically, I am. That is what a stay at home Mom, who is also a homeowner, pretty much does. There’s never a day where there’s nothing to do. I just tend to always take it one step further, trying to do too much and burning myself out in the process. I have gotten more lenient with myself, trust me, But, I do feel that I could probably get even more lenient. I think I set a high standard for myself in keeping my home neat, clean and orderly as much as I possibly can with a 4 month old & 4 ½ year old, and a husband too. Thankfully no pets at this point, but did I mention I have a husband… hehe, sorry hunny, joking! Anyways, this is quite the task. Sure I realize everything cannot be perfectly clean & orderly 24/7, I certainly do not expect that of myself. But, when I have kid toy clutter, or arts ‘n crafts clutter, or whatever other type of clutter, I tend to feel better when at least one thing ends up back in some kind of order.

That brings me to the pillows on my sectional… or, that one corner of the family room where my entertainment center just threw up like 32 DVD’s. It’s like amidst the chaos if I can stop and just put all the DVD’s back into the cabinet, or arrange the pillows into somewhat of a nice pattern, I can breathe a little sigh of relief, like ahhh, ok that looks nice I can handle the rest later or as we go along. It’s just when everything possible is a MESS it makes me feel completely out of control (sometimes the kids alone can make me feel that way!)… is it just me?? Of course as soon as my 4 year old discovers the strategically placed pillows off they go into some make-shift fort or angry birds “play set”. And, I am just cringing while washing dishes and attempting to get another small area at least somewhat done. But, then my 4 month old wakes up or gets fussy, needs a bottle or simply needs attention, so then I put something on hold for the 116^th time since I’ve been awake and I then fall into the sweetness of my baby girl, which of course, I LOVE. I just wish it didn’t bother me so much to have the house swiffered and clutter-free and free of crumbs and whatnot, and smelling fresh and papers put away and all that stuff. But I feel like I NEED that to function and to survive this crazy life, especially when I’m spending a lot of time at home.

So that brings me to another aspect of my successful weekend. I definitely got out there, I went outside for several hours on Saturday doing various chores around the house, washed one of the cars, did a little gardening, planted some pots, and other tidbits. Then, on Sunday I was outside for another few hours. The weather was PERFECT too. The temperatures were just right, the wind was amazing and the clouds were just fabulous! I felt like a kid again looking at the shapes in the clouds. Joshua also enjoyed some outdoor adventures while I washed the second car, and swept, cleaned and organized my garage. I’m starting to love my garage! It’s slowly becoming a more functional space. And even though I didn’t do every little thing I had initially put on my weekend to-do list, the reason was that it didn’t necessarily have to be done. I’m trying to pace myself and do a mix of only what absolutely needs to be done and / or things I may want to do for fun. I have this tendency to think too much into the future and think oh well if I can do it now, I don’t have to do it later, but the truth is there will be something else to do later regardless! So, I’m planning smaller chores and projects and trying to come up with a small schedule that I can work with for the regular stuff, and then save the special things for the weekends when I have David home to help me with the kids so that I can focus on my projects.

I hope that you all had a WONDERFUL weekend! Cheers to the week & more fun & success next weekend!!

Friday, April 18, 2014

Lydia's baptism story & Happy Easter weekend

Lydia’s Baptism, Easter letters & Prayers

In so many ways I feel like my Mom sent Lydia to me. First, I conceived around Mother’s Day when I had barely even started to try; then my due was around my Mom’s birthday; and then finding out I was having a girl. She resembles her Nana so much, and Mommy :)

So, with the new Epiphany Star sculpture being dedicated and hung at St. Paul’s in memory of my Mom, this presented an opportunity to me. It sparked a beautiful idea to have Lydia baptized while Nana’s Star was still up for its first season. This particular year the epiphany season lasted 8 weeks, which is the longest it can ever last and does not happen too often, at least not that I’m aware of. Lydia would still be very young -most likely only 4-6 weeks old, and it would be during the winter, so that was a little concern. But, I just had to try, right!? God is always in control, but when the stars align you can’t help but think of God saying “Hey!” I don’t believe in coincidences. I believe in the power and magic of the Holy Spirit.

So, I had some wonderful ideas swirling around in that head of mine regarding a baptism invitation and all of the symbols I wanted to include: Lydia’s name in the bible context (the book of Acts), the color purple, a tribute to Nana, our baby pictures (3 generations) and my Faith. I had so many ideas I had to get them down on paper, so I did. Then I sought out someone with the ability to help me put it all together into an amazing presentation.

From the advice of my sister-in-law, I looked on Etsy.com for some templates of the type of invitation I wanted, which was a 5x5 Tri-fold design. I ended up finding someone who fit perfectly in what I needed at that exact moment (Thank You, God). Not only would this person custom make and create my invitation from nothing but my vision and the size & style of the folded card, but she ended up relating to me on a personal level in so many ways.

Through our online conversations and sharing bits and pieces of my own story, I had learned she too lost a parent as a young woman just starting to have her babies. She was also a woman of faith. Christy and I clicked, and she worked with me one-on-one starting simply with the color & pattern choice. Then we moved on to the main context, font, symbols, layout, photos, etc. Since I started designing so early, it was great to focus on one small thing at a time until we found what we wanted. I’m super proud of the way the invitation ended up in the end. I do not usually consider myself to have a creative flair, but I think I superseded any expectation I would have of myself in the design of this card. Lydia’s baptism meant so much more to me than anything I can even describe.

When I thought maybe I was focusing the day too much on my Mom’s memory and not Lydia, a close friend of mine pointed out to me to consider how else will I ever incorporate my Mom into my daughter’s life going forward? Of course Lydia will know of her Nana and I will share stories with her and photographs, but to have her Nana be part of a special milestone in her life, this was it. And, I’m so happy I did it this way.

Once the invite was complete, since we had spent so much time communicating, the designer, Christy, and I didn’t want to say “Good-bye”, so we became friends on Facebook. Now we can share updates and inspirational messages and things along the way throughout our journey in life. For reasons such as these, facebook or any social media can be a great tool. As with anything, if you use the tools correctly, they can bring great joy.

Aside from the gorgeous invitation, my sister-in-law helped put together a background image of Lydia and Nana looking upon her, to be displayed on the screens at the Church during the time of the baptism. It was the perfect final touch to complete the day.

Additionally there were a few other details special to me. Lydia wore my baptismal sundress even though we were in the middle of winter (I was baptized in August); but I had lace trimmed white leggings and a long sleeve white onesie underneath the dress. The dress was hand-made by Elizabeth Shank’s Mommy, the girl whom I was named after. They were special friends of my Mom’s growing up. Lydia also had white socks with a small star embellishment on it for the epiphany star, and really fancy sequined shoes from Nanny Walker. My Dad also ordered a Cake designed after the one my Mom made for me at my Baptism in 1979.

My Dad wrote this special prayer for the luncheon following the baptismal service:

Lydia’s Baptism Prayer, by Poppy

Lydia is named after a woman of faith in the book of Acts and Alexis, her Nana in heaven, whose name means defender of man.

With those meanings in mind, let us offer a prayer of thanksgiving…

Lord God, gracious heavenly father, we give you thanks for the gift of Lydia Alexis Walker on this day of her baptism. May she grow up strong in the lord under the watchful care and Christian example of her loving parents, David & Elizabeth and Godparents, Janet, Becky, and Mike. As her faith grows, through the power of the Holy Spirit, we pray she will come to know Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior and be a witness to the meaning of her names.

As we continue our celebration, we give you thanks for this food. Let it nourish our bodies and remind us of the feast that all believers look forward to in paradise with you.

In Jesus Holy Name we pray, Amen.

This was such a special day in my daughter’s and our family’s life.

Dear Mom,

You knew me the best, as a woman, and just starting out as a Mom. I sure miss having you in my corner… someone who gets me and gets the things that set me off, and always understood some things that may be simple to some, can be major triumphs to me. I miss celebrating that with you! I miss being able to celebrate life with you, too…the good & the bad, the accomplishments & the even the fall-outs.

I’m sitting here in between tears & smiles just trying to finish this blog (you don’t want to know how long I’ve been writing this). Almost every time I think I’m settled for a little bit of time something needs to be done, or someone needs me. And, then I’m off in a whirlwind of what sometimes feels like never ending tasks. And then the forgotten thoughts in my mind start to resurface, such as “oooh! That coupon expires soon!”, “Hmmm, maybe we can run those errands there and the other errands somewhere else”… It just never ends and in the midst of my crazy stay-at-home Mom life I’m thinking about you on the hour.

I’m wondering what it was like when you were doing this very thing when I was little. I’m wishing I could talk to you on a more motherly level. I feel like I barely had the chance on this earth and in this lifetime to talk “Mom” stuff with you. I think we were a lot alike in many ways and this is where I could really use your humor & advice, your laughter & encouragement. I know you are with us, just in a different way, but it’s still so hard for me since I’m not just a soul – I still have an earthly body & mind so my comprehension is nothing like yours is now. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have anyone who truly gets me and what I go through when I’m struggling or sad, and that makes me feel alone a lot. I wish I had a good reason to pick up the phone in the middle of the day again. Instead I feel like a bottle of soda that occasionally gets opened accidentally, but only after it gets shaken too many times. No one enjoys that, right?

Anyways, during Holy Week & Easter I think of you a lot. I remember all the ways you made Easter special for the family growing up. I’m doing little things with Joshua that are new to him, but traditional for me. He really enjoyed dying Easter eggs tonight for the first time. I remember that Easter Sunday, 2012 was the last day and part of the night Easter Monday that you spent in your house… but, I also remember you were feeling so bad you couldn’t even walk outside to enjoy all the children doing the Easter egg hunt. That makes me sad and I know you don’t want me to remember that, but I remember all of it.

Dad continues onward with the Easter egg hunt and all the goodies. He had me help with the Easter baskets last year as I always did for you, but this year he’s got it all taken care of on his own. He’s doing such a great job keeping up with all the holidays, celebrations, and special events in his own special & unique way. It’s very sweet and I know you are giving him many pats on the back along the way.

Mother’s Day is drawing near and my daughter is blossoming and I am missing you so very much in all of it. I’m not sure I will ever get over having to live this part of my life without you. I try not to weigh my blogs down with feeling sad a lot, but it’s true and it’s real and it’s there front and center. I don’t talk about it aloud very often, so I talk about it here and it helps me. And of course you know I’m still happy too. I’m immensely happy all at the same time. That’s my crazy life. I just truly miss laughing with you and having you make light of a stressful situation when I need it the most. I need that a lot with J & L!

As always, I know you are forever listening. I love you. Happy Easter, Mom

“The Sun will rise to better days…” –A Great Big World.

Dear God,

As I reflect on Holy Week and all that Jesus has done for us and given to us, I thank you for giving us the gift of eternal life and the promise of forever in your Kingdom, in your presence. Please lighten my sad heart some and help me to find joy in many things to come and help me to bring love and encouragement to others who are struggling, especially those I love so much. I need a little patience too ;)

Amen.