October 30, 2013
For the past 4
or 5 months I’ve started several new blogs to post, but they all seemed to be repeats
of the same blogs I’ve already posted. I
still miss you; I still think about you every day; I still talk to you all the
time. I haven’t cried quite as much as
before, but I cry when I think of how much I wish I had my best
friend to share my babies, my proud moments, my fears, and my life.
It’s so clear how much of a support system you were to me in so many
aspects of my life. It’s been hard on me without you, especially going through
this new pregnancy and finding out I’m having a girl... Not to mention the consistent challenges brought
on daily with Joshua [but just as much as his achievements] It still remains –all
these things I want to share with you in this earthly life, in the now.
I had Joshua’s parent-teacher conference and his teacher said she will
place a book on an overhead projector so the whole class can see the page and
she will ask Joshua to come up and read the page to the class because he’s the
only one in the class who can do it.
You’d be so proud of him and all that he has accomplished so far.
I try to remember that there is a way that I can still share all this with
you and know that you are with us, just in a different way. It’s hard to understand what your heavenly
perspective is like. There is no way for
me to know that except have faith. I am
comforted knowing that your presence has never left, and will never leave me,
or our family. We all have a soul, a
spirit, and that spirit lives on and has capabilities beyond human
understanding. That’s how amazing God
is. Faith. Love.
Belief. It’s incredible to have
that and to know our souls will never part, in one way, and will then be
reunited in another. It’s an earthly
perspective, and then a heavenly one.
I also believe you have held the soul of my daughter before she was even
conceived. We learn that God knows
everything about us and our life’s journey before we are even born. That is how I know our souls are manifested
in God’s pure light, in his image, as our destiny. My daughter will be named after you. Lydia Alexis.
Dad reminded me that you were also named after your Grandmother, Martha
for a middle name. I found the little
notebook you had in one of your hospital rooms where you jotted down future
baby names for my second child. Elijah
James for a boy, and Lydia ________, for a girl. We were playing around with charmed names like
Paige and Prudence [of course].
I know you always liked the name Grace.
It’s funny how things turn out.
Sometimes all I crave is to hear your voice, or feel your hugs, or hear
your laughter. Sometimes I hear it in my
head, but I want to experience it again in real time. Every time I open your armoire I smell your
perfume. I’m pretty sure it’s forever
engrained inside those drawers. I
certainly miss sharing everything with you and getting to tell you all about my
daily journey as a Mom.
I still have so much to experience and to learn as a parent and I’m sad
that you aren’t still around for a little more of it.
Today Dad and I went to see the first sneak peak of the Epiphany Star
progress. I can’t wait to see it
completed in its magnificence. What a sight
it will be at St. Paul’s. My hope is
that I will have the opportunity to have Lydia baptized while your star still
shines for the first Epiphany Season of its beautiful life in our Church. The stars are aligning with many things… how
it took no time at all for me to conceive, which was around Mother’s Day, how I’m due
around your birthday, how the Epiphany Season this particular year is lasting
the longest it can last [8 weeks], when it’s sometimes as short as 4, but this
is making it possible to have Lydia baptized under Nana’s star. It’s very magical to me, so I’m trying hard
to make it happen. I also know I always
need a plan b, so I’m learning to go with the flow on some things too.
From my soul to yours, always connected in love.
I love you, Mom. Forever &
always.
