Truth

The truth is…

If someone asks if I’m ok the natural response is, “oh, I’m fine”.  That response is an easy way to keep the topic of “fine” from going any further.  If you say anything other than fine, you open yourself up to explanation and details.  That’s not exactly something I want to delve into regarding how I am with the fact that my Mom is gone.  The truth is I’m not fine at all.

The truth is that every day I have to struggle with the longing desire to pick up the phone and share my day you.  Every day I have to resist all of the thoughts I play in the “what-if” game.  I think about all the things we were going to do while I was starting and enjoying life as a Stay at Home Mom.  The truth is I don’t enjoy it as much anymore.  I feel very lonely in my everyday life.  I miss the possibilities.  I miss sharing future plans and ideas with you.  Next to Dad, you were a huge part of my everyday life.   

Things happen every single day that only highlight the fact that you aren’t here.  I’m trying to talk to you more out loud, but I’m not quite used to that yet.  I’m getting there.  Faith is believing.  So why not believe you can hear me.  You are very much alive in Jesus and if I can talk to him I must be able to talk to you, too.

It’s especially sad when Joshua talks about you.  He sees your picture and he says things about you.  I know he remembers the super special bond you two shared.  If you could only see him now and help me through times with him like you always did.  Some days I need you so bad I can do nothing but curl up into a ball and cry.  The sadness can be really overwhelming.  The only thing that brings me out of it is knowing the peace, happiness and joy you are feeling in your eternal existence.  I try to snap out of it and then often feel guilty for feeling so sorry for myself and my earthly loss and grief when you are surely having the time of your life.

I want to get passed this, but I don’t want to forget either.  I still think about so many things that include you.  You are everywhere I look in my home and in my life.  As time has moved on I almost feel like I’ve been missing you even more with each passing day.  I am not sure why it’s working out that way.  I don’t anticipate feeling a whole lot better about any of this until at least another year.  Maybe the dedication of the Epiphany Star will be a true healing point.        

But, everything between now and then is just way too overwhelming to think about.  I just miss you so much.  My biggest champion, encourager, supporter, best friend & best Mom.

The truth is my love for you still grows and so does the feeling of missing you. 

Mom & Me, 1980's :)

   

   

Happy Birthday, Mom

Happy Birthday, Mom,

I was cleaning out a couple of your dresser drawers the other day and I found a really nifty book light.  I have one, but I don’t like it that much.  I love yours!  I took it as a sign to start reading again. 

The last time I picked up a book was my plane ride to Florida for Lisa’s wedding.  Of course that resulted in Hurricane Sandy and then you passing away on my final unplanned night there.  I haven’t been able to pick up a book since then.  I feel like it was a subconscious way of me grieving, or feeling guilty “enjoying” a good book when you never will be able to again.  Of course I shouldn’t say that, no one can even fathom what the spiritual experience is like when your soul is with the Lord.  I bet God has plenty of magic up his sleeve.  Maybe you have an entire library of books to enjoy in heaven :)  I won’t know until I get there.  So until then…  

I think though, during the last year of your life, the idea that you couldn’t escape to a place in your mind where you could follow a story has affected my ability to enjoy a book too.  I have felt that has been extremely difficult for me to find that place too.  I am just not in a rested place in my mind to escape to that enjoyment needed to indulge in a good book.  I will get there soon.  I think you will light the way with my new little book light :)

I made a delicious chocolate cheesecake recently.  It was a recipe that you found in a magazine called “cherry chocolate pie” and you were planning to make it for a Tuesday night dinner one day.  I remember you were wondering if David would like it and I said I was pretty sure he would.  Well, he LOVED it!  It turned out excellent too.  I even impressed myself (and Dad, too)!  I found it in your kitchen cabinet, stuck inside a Phoebe mug that I bought for you to cheer you up a few years ago.  I decided to take the mug back for remembrance and then I found that pie recipe stuck in there.  This was one of the very last desserts you were going to make before you got real sick.  But, you never had the chance.

Okay, so that was a bunch of chatter I wrote last week waiting to post a new blog on your birthday.  Today is your earthly birthday.  I went to breakfast with Dad at the Grill and they had fresh carnations on the tables.  They were different shades of pink.  Carnations were one of your favorite flowers and I always bought you carnations for your birthday :)

 

This evening we invited Dad over our house for another iPad lesson and dinner from Gino’s!  You would have loved that restaurant re-opening in its original Glen Burnie location.  Dad said you two had many date nights there :) 

Dad sent out an email this morning to the children and families.  I will share it here because it was very special and really helps to put things in perspective and focus on the bigger picture. 

On another note, I will write a whole separate blog about my feelings, experiences and beliefs in the supernatural.  To believe in the supernatural is to believe in God and Heaven.  And, I believe through God all things are possible.  I think it’s even possible to talk to you in my dreams.  I think that’s the easiest way for two souls to make a connection.  I hope that I dream about you soon.  But, thank you for the little things that I have already felt with your presence and love in my daily life.  I miss your earthly presence so much, but, as Dad says I am happy for you now and it’s hard to be too sad all of the time. 

Hello Everyone,

Today, February 1st, would have been Nana's 67th earthly birthday.  Today is Nana's first birthday in heaven.  The Bible tells us that heaven is more wonderful than anything we can ever imagine.  We can be very happy for Nana today knowing her soul is free of all the physical & emotional pain and suffering she had been enduring since her last birthday and she is now celebrating her very first birthday as Saint Nana  with all the other Saints and Jesus in heaven. The New Testament mentions heaven 236 times and Jesus talks about heaven 131 times.  We can be sure it is the most wonderful place for anyone to be.  Even though Nana loved each of her children, grandchildren, grand godchildren, and great grandchildren and didn't want to leave them, God knew it was the best thing for her and we can be sure she is being one of the best Nana's in heaven for all the children that were called home to be with God this past year. 

Imagine the most happy, joyful, wonderful birthday parties you have ever had or been part of and you can be sure that Nana's first birthday in heaven is 1,000 times better than all of them put together.  We remember Pastor George's funeral sermon based on Psalm 116 verse 16: Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints. Happy Birthday Saint Nana! We miss you, we love you, and we are happy for you!