The truth is…
If
someone asks if I’m ok the natural response is, “oh, I’m fine”. That response is an easy way to keep the topic
of “fine” from going any further. If you
say anything other than fine, you open yourself up to explanation and
details. That’s not exactly something I
want to delve into regarding how I am with the fact that my Mom is gone. The truth is I’m not fine at all.
The
truth is that every day I have to struggle with the longing desire to pick up
the phone and share my day you. Every
day I have to resist all of the thoughts I play in the “what-if” game. I think about all the things we were going to
do while I was starting and enjoying life as a Stay at Home Mom. The truth is I don’t enjoy it as much
anymore. I feel very lonely in my everyday
life. I miss the possibilities. I miss sharing future plans and ideas with
you. Next to Dad, you were a huge part
of my everyday life.
Things
happen every single day that only highlight the fact that you aren’t here. I’m trying to talk to you more out loud, but
I’m not quite used to that yet. I’m
getting there. Faith is believing. So why not believe you can hear me. You are very much alive in Jesus and if I can
talk to him I must be able to talk to you, too.
It’s
especially sad when Joshua talks about you.
He sees your picture and he says things about you. I know he remembers the super special bond
you two shared. If you could only see
him now and help me through times with him like you always did. Some days I need you so bad I can do nothing
but curl up into a ball and cry. The
sadness can be really overwhelming. The
only thing that brings me out of it is knowing the peace, happiness and joy you
are feeling in your eternal existence. I
try to snap out of it and then often feel guilty for feeling so sorry for
myself and my earthly loss and grief when you are surely having the time of
your life.
I
want to get passed this, but I don’t want to forget either. I still think about so many things that
include you. You are everywhere I look
in my home and in my life. As time has
moved on I almost feel like I’ve been missing you even more with each passing
day. I am not sure why it’s working out
that way. I don’t anticipate feeling a
whole lot better about any of this until at least another year. Maybe the dedication of the Epiphany Star
will be a true healing point.
But,
everything between now and then is just way too overwhelming to think
about. I just miss you so much. My biggest champion, encourager, supporter,
best friend & best Mom.
The
truth is my love for you still grows and so does the feeling of missing you.
No comments:
Post a Comment