Truth

The truth is…

If someone asks if I’m ok the natural response is, “oh, I’m fine”.  That response is an easy way to keep the topic of “fine” from going any further.  If you say anything other than fine, you open yourself up to explanation and details.  That’s not exactly something I want to delve into regarding how I am with the fact that my Mom is gone.  The truth is I’m not fine at all.

The truth is that every day I have to struggle with the longing desire to pick up the phone and share my day you.  Every day I have to resist all of the thoughts I play in the “what-if” game.  I think about all the things we were going to do while I was starting and enjoying life as a Stay at Home Mom.  The truth is I don’t enjoy it as much anymore.  I feel very lonely in my everyday life.  I miss the possibilities.  I miss sharing future plans and ideas with you.  Next to Dad, you were a huge part of my everyday life.   

Things happen every single day that only highlight the fact that you aren’t here.  I’m trying to talk to you more out loud, but I’m not quite used to that yet.  I’m getting there.  Faith is believing.  So why not believe you can hear me.  You are very much alive in Jesus and if I can talk to him I must be able to talk to you, too.

It’s especially sad when Joshua talks about you.  He sees your picture and he says things about you.  I know he remembers the super special bond you two shared.  If you could only see him now and help me through times with him like you always did.  Some days I need you so bad I can do nothing but curl up into a ball and cry.  The sadness can be really overwhelming.  The only thing that brings me out of it is knowing the peace, happiness and joy you are feeling in your eternal existence.  I try to snap out of it and then often feel guilty for feeling so sorry for myself and my earthly loss and grief when you are surely having the time of your life.

I want to get passed this, but I don’t want to forget either.  I still think about so many things that include you.  You are everywhere I look in my home and in my life.  As time has moved on I almost feel like I’ve been missing you even more with each passing day.  I am not sure why it’s working out that way.  I don’t anticipate feeling a whole lot better about any of this until at least another year.  Maybe the dedication of the Epiphany Star will be a true healing point.        

But, everything between now and then is just way too overwhelming to think about.  I just miss you so much.  My biggest champion, encourager, supporter, best friend & best Mom.

The truth is my love for you still grows and so does the feeling of missing you. 

Mom & Me, 1980's :)

   

   

Happy Birthday, Mom

Happy Birthday, Mom,

I was cleaning out a couple of your dresser drawers the other day and I found a really nifty book light.  I have one, but I don’t like it that much.  I love yours!  I took it as a sign to start reading again. 

The last time I picked up a book was my plane ride to Florida for Lisa’s wedding.  Of course that resulted in Hurricane Sandy and then you passing away on my final unplanned night there.  I haven’t been able to pick up a book since then.  I feel like it was a subconscious way of me grieving, or feeling guilty “enjoying” a good book when you never will be able to again.  Of course I shouldn’t say that, no one can even fathom what the spiritual experience is like when your soul is with the Lord.  I bet God has plenty of magic up his sleeve.  Maybe you have an entire library of books to enjoy in heaven :)  I won’t know until I get there.  So until then…  

I think though, during the last year of your life, the idea that you couldn’t escape to a place in your mind where you could follow a story has affected my ability to enjoy a book too.  I have felt that has been extremely difficult for me to find that place too.  I am just not in a rested place in my mind to escape to that enjoyment needed to indulge in a good book.  I will get there soon.  I think you will light the way with my new little book light :)

I made a delicious chocolate cheesecake recently.  It was a recipe that you found in a magazine called “cherry chocolate pie” and you were planning to make it for a Tuesday night dinner one day.  I remember you were wondering if David would like it and I said I was pretty sure he would.  Well, he LOVED it!  It turned out excellent too.  I even impressed myself (and Dad, too)!  I found it in your kitchen cabinet, stuck inside a Phoebe mug that I bought for you to cheer you up a few years ago.  I decided to take the mug back for remembrance and then I found that pie recipe stuck in there.  This was one of the very last desserts you were going to make before you got real sick.  But, you never had the chance.

Okay, so that was a bunch of chatter I wrote last week waiting to post a new blog on your birthday.  Today is your earthly birthday.  I went to breakfast with Dad at the Grill and they had fresh carnations on the tables.  They were different shades of pink.  Carnations were one of your favorite flowers and I always bought you carnations for your birthday :)

 

This evening we invited Dad over our house for another iPad lesson and dinner from Gino’s!  You would have loved that restaurant re-opening in its original Glen Burnie location.  Dad said you two had many date nights there :) 

Dad sent out an email this morning to the children and families.  I will share it here because it was very special and really helps to put things in perspective and focus on the bigger picture. 

On another note, I will write a whole separate blog about my feelings, experiences and beliefs in the supernatural.  To believe in the supernatural is to believe in God and Heaven.  And, I believe through God all things are possible.  I think it’s even possible to talk to you in my dreams.  I think that’s the easiest way for two souls to make a connection.  I hope that I dream about you soon.  But, thank you for the little things that I have already felt with your presence and love in my daily life.  I miss your earthly presence so much, but, as Dad says I am happy for you now and it’s hard to be too sad all of the time. 

Hello Everyone,

Today, February 1st, would have been Nana's 67th earthly birthday.  Today is Nana's first birthday in heaven.  The Bible tells us that heaven is more wonderful than anything we can ever imagine.  We can be very happy for Nana today knowing her soul is free of all the physical & emotional pain and suffering she had been enduring since her last birthday and she is now celebrating her very first birthday as Saint Nana  with all the other Saints and Jesus in heaven. The New Testament mentions heaven 236 times and Jesus talks about heaven 131 times.  We can be sure it is the most wonderful place for anyone to be.  Even though Nana loved each of her children, grandchildren, grand godchildren, and great grandchildren and didn't want to leave them, God knew it was the best thing for her and we can be sure she is being one of the best Nana's in heaven for all the children that were called home to be with God this past year. 

Imagine the most happy, joyful, wonderful birthday parties you have ever had or been part of and you can be sure that Nana's first birthday in heaven is 1,000 times better than all of them put together.  We remember Pastor George's funeral sermon based on Psalm 116 verse 16: Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints. Happy Birthday Saint Nana! We miss you, we love you, and we are happy for you!

A little note about bats :)

There’s a bat in the house!

After my rather somber letter yesterday, I thought it would follow it up with a new short letter that features a funny memory, which I was reminded of this morning.

Joshua and I were over your house playing outside with Phoebe.  I was going inside to get a tissue and the garage door opened… Dad stopped home to pick up something for work, and then he said “Do you know what’s in there?” [Pointing to a bucket container covered with a dark blanket].  I said “no, but I was curious”…”Well, it’s a bat we captured at work –I’m going to put him in my Bat House!”.  Of course I wonder if it’s a queen bat/female.  Maybe we can name her Alexis. :)  Dad might think that’s a little weird.  Naming the bat was a private thought.

Remember I bought Dad a Bat House for a Birthday gift several years ago and it’s hanging up on the side of the shed, but he has yet to have a bat occupy it.  We haven’t seen as many bats around as we used to.

The funny memory I thought of on the drive home was the evening many years ago that a bat somehow got inside the house from the outside/garage.  You were yelling and screaming for Dad to get it and you flew into your bedroom and closed the door, only cracking it a small amount to look out.  I ran into the foyer and closed the double doors.  And, Dad turned off all the lights, except the garage light to lure the bat back out.  After the bat left and we all came out, Dad and I continued to tease you saying things like “Look out there’s the Bat!”, or, “the bat is back!”  You would freak out screaming for a minute and we would cry laughing at your reaction.  You were worried the bat would get caught up in your hair.  hahahahaha :)

 

Dad wants to put his captured bat into the Bat House.  I’m not quite sure how he’s going to do that, but I hope the time has come for a new resident. 

I found a picture of Dad opening the Bat House gift, March, 2006.

 

Lost Without You

I’m lost without you.

I’m not sure if it was the fact that I had some type of stomach bug the past couple days, or Joshua’s wonderful sentences have been highlighted by his specialists, or Dad feeling his grief crash down all around him, or going through all your scrapbooking pictures, but I have been missing you more than ever. 

I felt sick in the way that you want your Mom to come bring you ginger-ale and make you chicken noodle soup.  I curled up like a baby and bawled my eyes out thinking about being a little girl, sick, and having you take care of me.  David took care of me very well.  But no one can take your place.

Joshua has been talking so much more now and that made me think about some of the last times we spent together and I shared videos with you.  You loved the ones of him in the tub with his letters.  Now if you could only see him spelling words with the same letters.  And, the little phrases you got to see while he painted and did other activities, now he’s asking questions and telling us all kinds of things and stories.  I know you would have been absolutely tickled with him and how adorable he is and his little voice.  I know you are with us in spirit, and I know I cannot know or understand what that is like, so it’s hard to think about what “spirit” truly means and how the spirit or soul experiences earthly things. 

All I know is I can’t experience human moments with you when Joshua is learning and growing.  I can’t jump up and call you when he does something extraordinary like I used to.  I can’t come over on Tuesdays & Thursdays with Joshua, toting Lattes and a boat load of topics to talk about.  When I’m over there now it’s so quiet (well, minus Joshua quiet)

But, we still go and spend time with Phoebe.  Joshua loves going outside with her.  They go on adventures together.  And, I just miss you.

I remember throughout the year before you even became so sick, a couple of times you broke down and cried and said you were afraid you may not get to see Joshua grow up and develop into his own little person.

Sometimes when Joshua does something amazing I just sit down and cry because I think why can’t my Mom see and share this with me.  That’s very hard for me.  I feel very alone.    

I also remember when Raevin stopped in to visit with you during the very early stages of your hospitalizations, you broke down again and told her what made you the saddest about becoming sick was that you wouldn’t be around to see me have another baby.

And, you know, those are two of the saddest things for me too. 

I’m also very sad for Dad and all he is going through with the grief.  I’m trying to keep an eye on him and hoping that he keeps busy.  Grief has a way of just creeping in though, whether you are busy or not.  It’s just a process that we all have to go through in our own time and in our own way.  I believe I am still going through it in waves and stages.

When I was going through some of the photos you were going to scrapbook I was very happy to stumble across a picture of us from a Mother/Daughter banquet that Angela invited us to in May, 2000.  I had recently brought the trinket box, from your house, to place on my shelf.  It was a painted wooden box with a bible and gemstone inside –it was the favor from the tables.  I was so happy to find that picture to display with the treasure box.  Memories are Treasures.         

I keep trying to think of the bigger picture.  Heaven.