Lost Without You

I’m lost without you.

I’m not sure if it was the fact that I had some type of stomach bug the past couple days, or Joshua’s wonderful sentences have been highlighted by his specialists, or Dad feeling his grief crash down all around him, or going through all your scrapbooking pictures, but I have been missing you more than ever. 

I felt sick in the way that you want your Mom to come bring you ginger-ale and make you chicken noodle soup.  I curled up like a baby and bawled my eyes out thinking about being a little girl, sick, and having you take care of me.  David took care of me very well.  But no one can take your place.

Joshua has been talking so much more now and that made me think about some of the last times we spent together and I shared videos with you.  You loved the ones of him in the tub with his letters.  Now if you could only see him spelling words with the same letters.  And, the little phrases you got to see while he painted and did other activities, now he’s asking questions and telling us all kinds of things and stories.  I know you would have been absolutely tickled with him and how adorable he is and his little voice.  I know you are with us in spirit, and I know I cannot know or understand what that is like, so it’s hard to think about what “spirit” truly means and how the spirit or soul experiences earthly things. 

All I know is I can’t experience human moments with you when Joshua is learning and growing.  I can’t jump up and call you when he does something extraordinary like I used to.  I can’t come over on Tuesdays & Thursdays with Joshua, toting Lattes and a boat load of topics to talk about.  When I’m over there now it’s so quiet (well, minus Joshua quiet)

But, we still go and spend time with Phoebe.  Joshua loves going outside with her.  They go on adventures together.  And, I just miss you.

I remember throughout the year before you even became so sick, a couple of times you broke down and cried and said you were afraid you may not get to see Joshua grow up and develop into his own little person.

Sometimes when Joshua does something amazing I just sit down and cry because I think why can’t my Mom see and share this with me.  That’s very hard for me.  I feel very alone.    

I also remember when Raevin stopped in to visit with you during the very early stages of your hospitalizations, you broke down again and told her what made you the saddest about becoming sick was that you wouldn’t be around to see me have another baby.

And, you know, those are two of the saddest things for me too. 

I’m also very sad for Dad and all he is going through with the grief.  I’m trying to keep an eye on him and hoping that he keeps busy.  Grief has a way of just creeping in though, whether you are busy or not.  It’s just a process that we all have to go through in our own time and in our own way.  I believe I am still going through it in waves and stages.

When I was going through some of the photos you were going to scrapbook I was very happy to stumble across a picture of us from a Mother/Daughter banquet that Angela invited us to in May, 2000.  I had recently brought the trinket box, from your house, to place on my shelf.  It was a painted wooden box with a bible and gemstone inside –it was the favor from the tables.  I was so happy to find that picture to display with the treasure box.  Memories are Treasures.         

I keep trying to think of the bigger picture.  Heaven.