Mother's Love

Mother's Love
Mommy & Liz

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Day



{I started writing this blog on April 30th.  I’m finishing it on May 12th.}


I can’t believe its been 6 months.

I know moving on is healthy.  I know that looking back and playing things over in my head during the times you were in the hospitals and rehabs don’t help much.  But, I can’t easily forget it all.  I mostly go through the days and not think about it, but there are times when I hit the “play” button in my memory and it’s sad.  I eventually hit pause again.  I talk to God, and you, and I think about your spirit now and how amazing your soul is in the eyes and presence of the Lord.  That makes me feel a little better.  But, I live in this sinful world where the Devil has a field day with my emotions at times.  So, I still hit the play button.

I replay things I said, or did.  I replay things you shared or the heartache and pain you endured. 

I can’t help those things are there vividly in my mind.  I want to go back and say more.  I want to go back and comfort you more.  I want to go back and hug you.  I want to go back and hold your hand.  The strongest thing I can have is my faith, and I’m glad that I do. 


I know for anyone who takes the time to read my blogs {my true letters to heaven} that so much of this is redundant and repetitive, but that’s because there’s still a huge hole in my heart.  My regular day to day life was affected when you got sick, and then affected again when you passed on.  The only difference between when you were sick, to dying was the hope that existed.

There was always some hope that you would eventually make it back home after proper treatment, rehab and healing.  I held onto that with every ounce of myself that it was always a possibility so I tried not to worry so much at the time. 

I think now I feel it was meant to be that I was not able to be at your bedside the night you passed.  All of the circumstances that fell in line to make that totally impossible were devastating to me for a long time.  I felt so guilty for going on the trip to Florida even though I knew you really wanted me to, and Dad had also encouraged it, but of course I still felt guilty.  But now, I’m starting to think it would have been too hard for me.  Dad even said maybe you wouldn't have been able to let go the way that you did if I was present.  I play it out in my mind like what if I had been there.  I don’t know if I could have emotionally survived it.  It was extremely difficult for me to even visit you when you were at Hopkins seeing you in that condition and unable to communicate.  I couldn’t deal with that very well at all.  It broke my heart.  It still does.
 

Going through this year it’s natural to think back to what was going on at this time last year.  It’s hard not to think back to all the suffering you endured, and still had yet to endure, as well as the medical let downs and how much you tried to get back to a stable path.  It broke my heart to see you go through 8 months of this.

Mother’s Day last year we had to visit you in one of the rehab centers and your spirit was so shattered.  It was gut-wrenching to see you in this place and hearing about the conditions and things that went on like the neglect and some mistreatment.  I didn’t always know what was going on until the email updates from Dad; but I could see it in your eyes.  I wish I could have just known the end result and taken you home to pass in comfort, dignity and grace.  I’m not sure why you had to go through the 8 months that you did in the ways that you did.  I’m not sure I’ll ever understand that.  But, everything happens the way it is meant to.  

I am comforted by the blood of the Lamb.  I’m comforted that you are saved.  I am comforted that you can jump for joy with freedom.  I am comforted that you are alive in Heaven.  I am comforted to know that you are always listening.  I am comforted to know that on my end of day, you will be there to welcome me into the Kingdom of God. 


We had Dad over for dinner today.  We ordered take-out from Mission BBQ, and I made the chocolate cheesecake [for the second time] that you and I were going to make but never did.


Joshua has been bringing home some wonderful art projects from school.  I would have been so excited to share them all with you.  And, he would have absolutely loved showing each one to you and telling you about it.  He loves to share like that.  I’m sad that we’re missing out on that time to bond with you, laugh with you, share with you and love with you.  Sometimes I just think wow it would be great to have Mom here for lunch or dinner, or just to spend time with Joshua like you loved to do.  I try not to dwell. 
 

We sang one of your favorite songs at Church today.  "Open the eyes of my heart Lord."  We sung this at your Celebration of Life service so it was a little emotional for me.  I felt your presence today a lot… I feel it now. 



Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.  I love you so much and I miss you so much. 

Anniversary tulips from you & Dad, planted 4 days after your passing, in your loving memory.  Blooming beautifully this Spring.


Trinket box (Mother's Day gift) Joshua brought home from school.  I love how it matches the butterfly on the frame I gave you.


Friday, April 5, 2013

still missing you. always.


 
Most days when Joshua is in school I am running around with errands or a huge to-do list, and then there are occasional days when I can actually just come back home and relax a little bit.  Those times give me reflection and peace, but it also lets the sadness in.  It allows me to think quietly and I still sit here and think are you really gone? I still have trouble even believing it to be the reality, even though I know logically what has transpired over this past year, and I’m not in denial.  It just doesn’t feel real to me.   

I still think about reading over rough drafts of letters and such with you.  I think about picking up lunch for us when I come over to the house.  I think about what new coffee you might like to try.  When Joshua brings art work and projects home I can’t wait to show you.  When I read new progress reports about him from either his Pre-School teacher, or specialists, I can’t wait to share it with you.  When I master a recipe in the kitchen I can’t wait to pick up the phone and tell you about it.  And of course when I have some sort of home emergency I can’t wait to call and freak out, but now Dad gets that earful and I try to tame my reactions ;) 

 It’s very hard for me to live without you.  I do it.  I’m strong.  I stay busy.  I survive.  But, I do it with a lot of sadness in my heart from missing you…Still missing you. 
           
Today is Grandparents Day at St. Paul’s.  You would have been happy about my special invitation for David’s parents to attend for Joshua.  They were planning to come up, but unfortunately were unable to make the trip at the last minute.  I’m so thankful Angela didn’t mind Dad spending some time with Joshua so he wouldn’t be alone, and then he would still visit Sam and Ben a little too.  I can’t wait to hear how it went.  I told Dad to call me when he got home to share the day with me. 
          
I miss how we always shared all of our shopping adventures and purchases with each other.  I would go out of my way to carry bags of stuff to your house just so I could go through each item with you.  We loved to do that.  I always felt like we were best girlfriends during those times.  Saturday morning David and I are taking Joshua to Carter’s to get some new Spring and Summer clothes since we still have a gift card to use up.  This made me think about how I would love to show you what we end up getting.
          
I think about how Joshua’s first St. Paul’s school picture from the Fall, 2012 was in your room at Johns Hopkins Bayview, but I’m unsure if you were able to see it and look at it, even though we showed you several times.  You would be so proud of him and how far he has come.  I remember you being so amazed at his progress a year ago.  If only you could see him now, through earthly eyes.  Of course I have no idea what Heaven is truly like, but I’d like to think God has some magic up his sleeve, and can give you peaks into the happy moments.  We have a new picture this Spring, and comparing the two pictures are like night and day.  You can see how much more confident Joshua looks and his beautiful smile.  I wish I could have shared it with you.  I love that little guy with every ounce of my being.  He certainly can cause me the most stress, but force me to also feel the most love, and that unconditional love for your child overrides anything.  Now I get it :)

The tulips I planted for you are coming up.  I can’t wait to see them bloom.  They will be five different color varieties.    
Spring is for new things and renewals of hope.  I will never stop missing you, loving you and thinking about you every single day of all of my tomorrows. 

 Fall, 2012
 Spring, 2013

Tulips coming up, April 5, 2013

 

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

why we Light it up Blue!



Our son’s journey thus far…



Some may wonder why my husband and I pledge to “light it up blue” on April 2nd, or why we share so many autism links.  And, I can’t give a simple response like “my son has autism” because it’s not that simple.  We do not have an official diagnosis and are not seeking anything official at this time.  Here’s why, and our story:



When Joshua turned 2 (July, 2011) he knew all the letters of the alphabet (both upper & lower case), but he was not talking or saying simple 2-year old words on a daily basis.  He also had some “quirky” things like the way he played with some of his toys (repetitions, patterns), and some sensory things with certain situations that involved music and songs.  The musical aspect was consistent to him as far as what upset him, but it was not consistent to all music in general.  It was only certain situations and certain synchronizations and speaking in unison, or certain people mimicking a song. 



So, we brought up our concerns to his Pediatrician, at the time, and she gave us the number to Anne Arundel County’s Infants & Toddlers program (“ITP").  She said they offered an array of services, including speech therapy, and that they did specialize in autism and other developmental disorders.  Actually they specialized in pretty much everything it seemed.  They had a broad range of services.  I HIGHLY recommend the program to anyone.



Our first visit to Infants & Toddlers was less than beautiful.  It was me and Joshua in a small room with 2 or 3 other people and Joshua being confined in a corner of the room with a desk in front of him to try and keep him contained for some basic play-type activities and tests.  This was the initial “testing” to determine eligibility.  All of the ladies there were great, but it was overwhelming to Joshua (and me).  Since Joshua didn’t cooperate too greatly and was more disturbed with the confinement we didn’t get too far with showcasing his true abilities.  It wasn’t until one of the ladies turned on her iPad and gave him an alphabet activity that calmed him and captured his attention with delight.  Little did I know he would have an early love for electronic devices, and handle them pretty well, I should also add.  So, this iPad fun occurred towards the end of our meeting time, but they still got a little peak at this cute, sweet child of mine.

The program staff relied mostly on the 8 or so page detailed profile I completed at home and handed in during this initial meeting.  Joshua was determined eligible for the program and early childhood intervention (“ECI”) services could begin. 



We started with weekly 45-minute home sessions with an assigned specialist (special educator).  Heather was great.  Joshua liked her and even though he struggled a lot with adult-directed requests and activities, we still made progress.  I tried to use the picture schedule to complete 3 tasks at hand, and it was really, really hard.  Joshua did not want to do what we wanted him to do when we wanted him to do it… This has gotten so much better… but, back then, oh my.  He was so self-motivated and self-directed that it was difficult to take him out of context and into something different.  He was extremely rigid.  Routine and structure were super important to him, and still are.  But, with maturity, growth and tips, we can get around some of that now and it’s not as much of a meltdown.  I found now that explaining things ahead of time in detail to Joshua helps with flexibility of some things.  Joshua’s vocabulary improved greatly during the next several months and just continued to sky rocket beyond that.   



So, we saw Heather for about 5 months.  In between her visits we would sometimes get a visit from Dena, one of the Occupational Therapists.  Dena was fantastic.  Joshua immediately took to her and Dena could get him to do a lot more than anyone else could I guess because he meshed so well with her.  She got him to practice putting small items into containers (working with grasp and muscle control in his hands), touching putty, pulling it apart, and putting his hands and various toys into a container of dry beans or some other funny texture.  The looks on his face at these times were priceless.  He was so disgusted by the new feeling, but he did it! 



We also had a visit from the Program Director to discuss progress and satisfaction with the program and other services offered.  We finally decided sometime between December, 2011 and January, 2012 that we would start Joshua in one of the Classroom environments that ITP offered, with the thought that this would prepare him for Pre-School in the Fall of 2012 (My Church offers a Christian day school and they begin with P-3 for 3-year olds, then P-4, Kindergarten, and so on.) 



Joshua had to have another evaluation done (January, 2012) as part of the program.  They test every 6 months to determine continued eligibility. 

This time it was nice to have most of the testing take place during the home visits which it made much easier on Joshua.  Of course his tests showed improvement from the first one, but he was still eligible to receive services based on the program’s standards for child development.



It turned out there was an opening in one of the classrooms, beginning in February, 2012.  The classes are small (no more than 4 children per class), with 1 teacher per child.  The classrooms also have weekly visits from a Speech Pathologist and Occupational Therapist.  The class that had an opening was run by a teacher named MaDonna.  And, the class schedule would be Monday through Thursday (10:30a-12p).  The classes also ran through the summer months, which was GREAT! 



Joshua spent 6 months in MaDonna’s classroom and he just grew by leaps and bounds.  He had the schedule down and did great during circle time songs and stories (to my amazement).  Although he did not participate often with trying new things at snack time, he would still sit patiently and wait for his friends to finish.  They had a similar drop-off situation like St. Paul’s would have.  The only difference with ITP is that I would get Joshua out of his car seat, instead of the teachers like at St. Paul’s, but the teachers at ITP would walk him into the school/classroom.  I thought this was going to be an upsetting experience of separation at first, but Joshua did great.  It was patchy, but way better than what I built it up in my mind to be.  He was always happy and enthusiastic to go to “school”.  His class was at Point Pleasant Elementary in Glen Burnie.    



I was sad that Dena was not the OT assigned to Joshua’s classroom, but we couldn’t have gotten a better teacher in MaDonna.  It was just our luck her room had an opening at the time we needed.  She was wonderful and Joshua took to her immediately falling into her lap and giggling upon their first meeting at home.  During the 6 months Joshua was in ITP School MaDonna would come to my home once a month to discuss Joshua’s progress in the classroom and all his growth.  We would also talk about struggles in more detail and we would give each other feedback.  Sitting down with MaDonna was like sitting down with my own Mom.  She is a warm, kind, gentle woman who loves to laugh and was so tickled by Joshua’s personality and antics.  This was a blessing in so many ways, as my Mom’s health was declining all throughout this year and during my journey with Joshua.  I felt alone at times.  I still do.



I went to a few workshops that the program offered to parents.  There was one on sensory processing disorder, and while some of the traits in some of the categories could sorta fit Joshua, he did not fit squarely into any of the categories under SPD.  This was also true with the Autism Spectrum.  While there were some red flags when we began the program, a lot of those red flags were dissipating as services were obtained.  ECI is key to children’s continued positive development.  If Joshua were to be formally diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), it would be minor and he would certainly be on the high-functioning end of the spectrum.  When I began ITP I thought diagnosis was a part of what they offered and since it had not been directly brought up to me or suggested, I was thinking we were on the right path with our current plan of services.  It wasn’t until later that I realized ITP did not offer Doctors authorized to give medical diagnosis –however, at one time they did.  It was up to me to decide to seek a diagnosis.  MaDonna did not encourage it as she saw the tools working so well for Joshua.  I was told you can go through so much with testing and appointments with one specialist and you may not even come out with a diagnosis if it’s borderline or just on the fringe like Joshua is.

He is excelling great in many avenues, especially at school, while still having some issues here and there (moreso at home) that are specific to him, but with the continued services, awareness and support, I think we will be ok.  But, I must strongly state that I am in no way afraid of a diagnosis.  In fact, I would welcome it.  I just want to do what is best for Joshua.  And, right now, I feel he is on the right path.  If he in any way falters or has greater disruptive issues develop in the future, I will certainly do what I need to do for my child. 



Once he “graduated” from ITP it was time to prepare for P-3!  I couldn’t be happier with his progress at the St. Paul’s Pre-School.  His teachers are incredible and he has grown the most this past year.  It is unbelievable. 



Since ITP ends at age 3, Joshua was tested again to determine if he would be bumped into the next bracket, the Three-to-Five program they call Child Find.  After that, it goes into grade school, and then high school.  All of these services are free –only eligibility is required by the State. 



Joshua was still under the radar on where he should be (but still improving), so we wrote up an Individualized Education Plan for Joshua (IEP).  He would have a special educator teacher come out to the pre-school once a week for general observation, and activities.  He would have a speech pathologist come out once every other week, and an occupational therapist once a month.  All three specialists would coordinate through me with the Teacher to pick a day & time to visit Joshua in the classroom at St. Paul’s.  So far all of the feedback I’m receiving is positive and progressive.  I will meet with Joshua’s specialists, the Child Find Director and Pre-School Teacher sometime in May to discuss his progress and continued services.   

I like all of his specialists, but especially the Speech Pathologist, Mr. Brian.  He is great with Joshua and I love his personality and demeanor. 



At first Joshua was only attending St. Paul’s 3 days a week (M-W-F, 8-11a), but after parent-teacher conferences, Joshua’s teacher recommended adding the other 2 days of the week due to all the specialists’ visits and sometimes their over-lapping visits.  So, we went ahead and signed Joshua up for all 5 days.  I was a little nervous at first, but he loves school so much I knew it was the right thing for him.  And, he loves it!



I could honestly share a lot more detail than this, but I think this is long enough… 
I should mention though, while a year ago we could barely walk into the sanctuary for a Church service, now Joshua can get through a service with relatively little difficulty.  He attends Chapel every Wednesday with his class.  I feel this has helped him become more familiar with the Church activities.  He has occasions where some of the unison speaking can be overwhelming for him, but he can handle it much better now.  



I don’t know what the future holds, and I still have some daily challenges with Joshua, but we manage, do the best we can, continue to educate ourselves and live our lives the best we can!  We Light it up Blue to show our support for the autism community and the friends we have made along the way, through our personal journey. 



Light it up Blue, 2013


 Turning 2 (July, 2011)

Spring, 2012

ITP, August, 2012
 
Meeting my new teachers
& classroom at St. Paul's!

Light it up Blue, April 2, 2013