Happy Mother's Day

{I started writing this blog on April 30^th.  I’m finishing it on May 12^th.}

I can’t believe its been 6 months.

I know moving on is healthy.  I know that looking back and playing things over in my head during the times you were in the hospitals and rehabs don’t help much.  But, I can’t easily forget it all.  I mostly go through the days and not think about it, but there are times when I hit the “play” button in my memory and it’s sad.  I eventually hit pause again.  I talk to God, and you, and I think about your spirit now and how amazing your soul is in the eyes and presence of the Lord.  That makes me feel a little better.  But, I live in this sinful world where the Devil has a field day with my emotions at times.  So, I still hit the play button.

I replay things I said, or did.  I replay things you shared or the heartache and pain you endured. 

I can’t help those things are there vividly in my mind.  I want to go back and say more.  I want to go back and comfort you more.  I want to go back and hug you.  I want to go back and hold your hand.  The strongest thing I can have is my faith, and I’m glad that I do. 

I know for anyone who takes the time to read my blogs {my true letters to heaven} that so much of this is redundant and repetitive, but that’s because there’s still a huge hole in my heart.  My regular day to day life was affected when you got sick, and then affected again when you passed on.  The only difference between when you were sick, to dying was the hope that existed.

There was always some hope that you would eventually make it back home after proper treatment, rehab and healing.  I held onto that with every ounce of myself that it was always a possibility so I tried not to worry so much at the time. 

I think now I feel it was meant to be that I was not able to be at your bedside the night you passed.  All of the circumstances that fell in line to make that totally impossible were devastating to me for a long time.  I felt so guilty for going on the trip to Florida even though I knew you really wanted me to, and Dad had also encouraged it, but of course I still felt guilty.  But now, I’m starting to think it would have been too hard for me.  Dad even said maybe you wouldn't have been able to let go the way that you did if I was present.  I play it out in my mind like what if I had been there.  I don’t know if I could have emotionally survived it.  It was extremely difficult for me to even visit you when you were at Hopkins seeing you in that condition and unable to communicate.  I couldn’t deal with that very well at all.  It broke my heart.  It still does.

 

Going through this year it’s natural to think back to what was going on at this time last year.  It’s hard not to think back to all the suffering you endured, and still had yet to endure, as well as the medical let downs and how much you tried to get back to a stable path.  It broke my heart to see you go through 8 months of this.

Mother’s Day last year we had to visit you in one of the rehab centers and your spirit was so shattered.  It was gut-wrenching to see you in this place and hearing about the conditions and things that went on like the neglect and some mistreatment.  I didn’t always know what was going on until the email updates from Dad; but I could see it in your eyes.  I wish I could have just known the end result and taken you home to pass in comfort, dignity and grace.  I’m not sure why you had to go through the 8 months that you did in the ways that you did.  I’m not sure I’ll ever understand that.  But, everything happens the way it is meant to.  

I am comforted by the blood of the Lamb.  I’m comforted that you are saved.  I am comforted that you can jump for joy with freedom.  I am comforted that you are alive in Heaven.  I am comforted to know that you are always listening.  I am comforted to know that on my end of day, you will be there to welcome me into the Kingdom of God. 

We had Dad over for dinner today.  We ordered take-out from Mission BBQ, and I made the chocolate cheesecake [for the second time] that you and I were going to make but never did.

Joshua has been bringing home some wonderful art projects from school.  I would have been so excited to share them all with you.  And, he would have absolutely loved showing each one to you and telling you about it.  He loves to share like that.  I’m sad that we’re missing out on that time to bond with you, laugh with you, share with you and love with you.  Sometimes I just think wow it would be great to have Mom here for lunch or dinner, or just to spend time with Joshua like you loved to do.  I try not to dwell. 

 

We sang one of your favorite songs at Church today.  "Open the eyes of my heart Lord."  We sung this at your Celebration of Life service so it was a little emotional for me.  I felt your presence today a lot… I feel it now. 

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.  I love you so much and I miss you so much. 

Anniversary tulips from you & Dad, planted 4 days after your passing, in your loving memory.  Blooming beautifully this Spring.

Trinket box (Mother's Day gift) Joshua brought home from school.  I love how it matches the butterfly on the frame I gave you.