still missing you. always.

 

Most days when Joshua is in school I am running around with errands or a huge to-do list, and then there are occasional days when I can actually just come back home and relax a little bit.  Those times give me reflection and peace, but it also lets the sadness in.  It allows me to think quietly and I still sit here and think are you really gone? I still have trouble even believing it to be the reality, even though I know logically what has transpired over this past year, and I’m not in denial.  It just doesn’t feel real to me.   

I still think about reading over rough drafts of letters and such with you.  I think about picking up lunch for us when I come over to the house.  I think about what new coffee you might like to try.  When Joshua brings art work and projects home I can’t wait to show you.  When I read new progress reports about him from either his Pre-School teacher, or specialists, I can’t wait to share it with you.  When I master a recipe in the kitchen I can’t wait to pick up the phone and tell you about it.  And of course when I have some sort of home emergency I can’t wait to call and freak out, but now Dad gets that earful and I try to tame my reactions ;) 

 It’s very hard for me to live without you.  I do it.  I’m strong.  I stay busy.  I survive.  But, I do it with a lot of sadness in my heart from missing you…Still missing you. 

           

Today is Grandparents Day at St. Paul’s.  You would have been happy about my special invitation for David’s parents to attend for Joshua.  They were planning to come up, but unfortunately were unable to make the trip at the last minute.  I’m so thankful Angela didn’t mind Dad spending some time with Joshua so he wouldn’t be alone, and then he would still visit Sam and Ben a little too.  I can’t wait to hear how it went.  I told Dad to call me when he got home to share the day with me. 

          

I miss how we always shared all of our shopping adventures and purchases with each other.  I would go out of my way to carry bags of stuff to your house just so I could go through each item with you.  We loved to do that.  I always felt like we were best girlfriends during those times.  Saturday morning David and I are taking Joshua to Carter’s to get some new Spring and Summer clothes since we still have a gift card to use up.  This made me think about how I would love to show you what we end up getting.

          

I think about how Joshua’s first St. Paul’s school picture from the Fall, 2012 was in your room at Johns Hopkins Bayview, but I’m unsure if you were able to see it and look at it, even though we showed you several times.  You would be so proud of him and how far he has come.  I remember you being so amazed at his progress a year ago.  If only you could see him now, through earthly eyes.  Of course I have no idea what Heaven is truly like, but I’d like to think God has some magic up his sleeve, and can give you peaks into the happy moments.  We have a new picture this Spring, and comparing the two pictures are like night and day.  You can see how much more confident Joshua looks and his beautiful smile.  I wish I could have shared it with you.  I love that little guy with every ounce of my being.  He certainly can cause me the most stress, but force me to also feel the most love, and that unconditional love for your child overrides anything.  Now I get it :)

The tulips I planted for you are coming up.  I can’t wait to see them bloom.  They will be five different color varieties.    

Spring is for new things and renewals of hope.  I will never stop missing you, loving you and thinking about you every single day of all of my tomorrows. 

 Fall, 2012

 Spring, 2013

Tulips coming up, April 5, 2013