A little note about bats :)

There’s a bat in the house!

After my rather somber letter yesterday, I thought it would follow it up with a new short letter that features a funny memory, which I was reminded of this morning.

Joshua and I were over your house playing outside with Phoebe.  I was going inside to get a tissue and the garage door opened… Dad stopped home to pick up something for work, and then he said “Do you know what’s in there?” [Pointing to a bucket container covered with a dark blanket].  I said “no, but I was curious”…”Well, it’s a bat we captured at work –I’m going to put him in my Bat House!”.  Of course I wonder if it’s a queen bat/female.  Maybe we can name her Alexis. :)  Dad might think that’s a little weird.  Naming the bat was a private thought.

Remember I bought Dad a Bat House for a Birthday gift several years ago and it’s hanging up on the side of the shed, but he has yet to have a bat occupy it.  We haven’t seen as many bats around as we used to.

The funny memory I thought of on the drive home was the evening many years ago that a bat somehow got inside the house from the outside/garage.  You were yelling and screaming for Dad to get it and you flew into your bedroom and closed the door, only cracking it a small amount to look out.  I ran into the foyer and closed the double doors.  And, Dad turned off all the lights, except the garage light to lure the bat back out.  After the bat left and we all came out, Dad and I continued to tease you saying things like “Look out there’s the Bat!”, or, “the bat is back!”  You would freak out screaming for a minute and we would cry laughing at your reaction.  You were worried the bat would get caught up in your hair.  hahahahaha :)

 

Dad wants to put his captured bat into the Bat House.  I’m not quite sure how he’s going to do that, but I hope the time has come for a new resident. 

I found a picture of Dad opening the Bat House gift, March, 2006.

 

Lost Without You

I’m lost without you.

I’m not sure if it was the fact that I had some type of stomach bug the past couple days, or Joshua’s wonderful sentences have been highlighted by his specialists, or Dad feeling his grief crash down all around him, or going through all your scrapbooking pictures, but I have been missing you more than ever. 

I felt sick in the way that you want your Mom to come bring you ginger-ale and make you chicken noodle soup.  I curled up like a baby and bawled my eyes out thinking about being a little girl, sick, and having you take care of me.  David took care of me very well.  But no one can take your place.

Joshua has been talking so much more now and that made me think about some of the last times we spent together and I shared videos with you.  You loved the ones of him in the tub with his letters.  Now if you could only see him spelling words with the same letters.  And, the little phrases you got to see while he painted and did other activities, now he’s asking questions and telling us all kinds of things and stories.  I know you would have been absolutely tickled with him and how adorable he is and his little voice.  I know you are with us in spirit, and I know I cannot know or understand what that is like, so it’s hard to think about what “spirit” truly means and how the spirit or soul experiences earthly things. 

All I know is I can’t experience human moments with you when Joshua is learning and growing.  I can’t jump up and call you when he does something extraordinary like I used to.  I can’t come over on Tuesdays & Thursdays with Joshua, toting Lattes and a boat load of topics to talk about.  When I’m over there now it’s so quiet (well, minus Joshua quiet)

But, we still go and spend time with Phoebe.  Joshua loves going outside with her.  They go on adventures together.  And, I just miss you.

I remember throughout the year before you even became so sick, a couple of times you broke down and cried and said you were afraid you may not get to see Joshua grow up and develop into his own little person.

Sometimes when Joshua does something amazing I just sit down and cry because I think why can’t my Mom see and share this with me.  That’s very hard for me.  I feel very alone.    

I also remember when Raevin stopped in to visit with you during the very early stages of your hospitalizations, you broke down again and told her what made you the saddest about becoming sick was that you wouldn’t be around to see me have another baby.

And, you know, those are two of the saddest things for me too. 

I’m also very sad for Dad and all he is going through with the grief.  I’m trying to keep an eye on him and hoping that he keeps busy.  Grief has a way of just creeping in though, whether you are busy or not.  It’s just a process that we all have to go through in our own time and in our own way.  I believe I am still going through it in waves and stages.

When I was going through some of the photos you were going to scrapbook I was very happy to stumble across a picture of us from a Mother/Daughter banquet that Angela invited us to in May, 2000.  I had recently brought the trinket box, from your house, to place on my shelf.  It was a painted wooden box with a bible and gemstone inside –it was the favor from the tables.  I was so happy to find that picture to display with the treasure box.  Memories are Treasures.         

I keep trying to think of the bigger picture.  Heaven.

Cookie Baking Magic

Cookie Baking Magic

I forgot to blog about the annual cookie exchange.  As you know, I always called you at least once (mostly twice) during any new cooking or baking adventure I would embark on, even when I had the written instructions right in front of me.  I just never really had the knack for common sense when it came to baking.  Angela and the facebook community now have to put up with me. 

   

I even stressed about baking these special cookies for weeks beforehand.  But, I knew this year especially I wanted to bake one of your traditional, special cookies, and more importantly a cookie that I always had fun helping you with.  Of course my “help” always consisted of sprinkling the jimmies after you put icing on the cooled, finished product :)  Although, as years went by, I helped more and more with the bigger stuff.  But, I can’t say I knew exactly what I was doing… I had you there the whole time telling me what to do (or barking multiple orders at once, as Dad & I would often joke) :)

So, the day came for me to bake these cookies for Angela’s annual cookie exchange.  I had everything I needed laid out, organized, and the recipe copy in your own handwriting in front of me.  I was ready to begin.  

The day was magical to say the least.  I felt like you were there with me the entire time, and I talked to you, too.  Joshua, for the most part, played very nice by himself and didn’t interrupt me 20 times in 20 minutes as he sometimes does.  I followed each step to the T.  When I was unsure about something, I stopped and just took a deep breath, and I felt your presence guiding me to the answer and what to do next.   

These cookies turned out exceptional.  For them to have turned out at least half-right would have been a miracle, for me, as you know.  But, to have them pretty much come out exactly as they are supposed to, was just magical.  I was so excited!  I let them cool while I cleaned up my baking dishes.  Then it was time to do the icing, which I was thinking to myself how you did that with a knife, but it was great –probably ended up being my favorite part!  I had to do the sprinkles quickly in between the icing, but it worked out.  I now see why having me do the sprinkles was a super help even though it seemed simple to me at the time.

I took lots of pictures to document my wonderful baking experience!  

Some of my favorites are below.  I have also included a picture of you and me at the Cookie Exchange Party, 2011.

Two of my favorites:

*The picture of me in the mirror -capturing your spirit on the shadow of my heart.

*The picture of me presenting Tim with an extra plate of cookies because they are one of his favorites :)

~Thank you for being with me that morning, and always.   

Merry Christmas Eve, Mom

Merry Christmas Eve, Mom

Well the presents are all wrapped, the Christmas dinner menu is taken care of, the tree has been trimmed, the Christmas Train Garden is set up, and the stockings are all hung.  I didn’t have nearly as many gifts to wrap this year since you weren’t here to rally my help.  As many hours as I logged in every year to help you, I certainly miss it now for sure.  I miss the talks, the Christmas shows, the coffee, the snacks, and just the time with you.  I offered to help Dad several times and he never took me up on it.  I think he enjoys the busy work even though it’s a lot to do. 

I left a very special gift for Dad under your tree. I also left a gift for Phoebe.  Joshua & I bought her a new pink collar, a cool raccoon toy and some mini beggin treats.  I know she will love them.  I wanted Dad to have something to open on Christmas morning.  I fulfilled my promise to find the gift you wanted me to help you with, which you shared with me this past Summer.  My letter to Dad is below for reference about this special gift. 

As I reflect on Christmases past, I will probably never have as big of a Christmas as you always did.  I like to simplify and you always liked to overdo.  It’s funny Dad overdoes on his own type of things, but simplifies in the ways you overdid.  I take after both of you in such a unique way. 

Although, I can say the gifts under my tree certainly grew from last year.  That’s mostly due to Joshua being way more into Christmas this year then he was last year.  Plus you know I don’t like clutter, and would often laugh when you would holler at Dad for going through your “organized piles”.    

So, I have enjoyed donating some of Joshua’s old toys to make room for new ones.  I am constantly shuffling things in all areas of my life.  It keeps the flow and balance, as well as keeping it new. 

David gave me the most special gift.  I received it a little early for Christmas.  We had your amethyst birthstone ring mended and re-sized.  This was one of the rings, per your wishes, that you wore at the private family viewing.  The ring had to be cut to properly wear for the viewing, so we had it repaired.  It’s beautiful.  I will treasure it always.

You have certainly turned me into a jewelry guru. I enjoy wearing different pieces of yours and thinking of you and the times I may recall you wearing the piece.  It’s just one of the many ways I still feel very connected to you.

I’m not sure what Christmas is like up on Heaven’s Blvd., but I’m sure it’s spectacular.  I miss you evermore and I hold peace in my heart for your eternal joy.  And, one day, mine.

I love you, Mom & Merry Christmas. 

Dad,                                                                Christmas, 2012

During the time that Mom was sick, 

I remember one of my visits with her when we talked about Christmas plans and gifts. 

I believe this conversation took place at the rehab center that was close to your work.  She was telling me about a kind and compassionate Doctor who had seen her there.  She told him he smelled so good and asked what he was wearing.  The kind Doctor shared with her and she made it a point to write it down and tell me at my next visit.  She wanted to get this new fragrance for you as a Christmas present this year.  She asked if I could help her with purchasing the gift.

I still wanted to honor her wish, even though she is not with us anymore, at least on this earth.  She will never be forgotten and she is always with us.  Death is only a temporary departure of this earthly life as we know it, transcending into the eternal life with Jesus and all the Saints.  The best is yet to come.  Hold with you the Joy and Peace of God’s gift to us, in His son, Jesus, Our Savior, and in the assurance that one day you will be reunited with Mom, through Jesus, our Lord.  

Merry Christmas, and Hope for a Peaceful year ahead, filled with Love,

From the memory of Your Sweetheart, Alexis, through your daughter, Sweets.

Our Christmas Angel~