Mother's Love

Mother's Love
Mommy & Liz

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

why we Light it up Blue!



Our son’s journey thus far…



Some may wonder why my husband and I pledge to “light it up blue” on April 2nd, or why we share so many autism links.  And, I can’t give a simple response like “my son has autism” because it’s not that simple.  We do not have an official diagnosis and are not seeking anything official at this time.  Here’s why, and our story:



When Joshua turned 2 (July, 2011) he knew all the letters of the alphabet (both upper & lower case), but he was not talking or saying simple 2-year old words on a daily basis.  He also had some “quirky” things like the way he played with some of his toys (repetitions, patterns), and some sensory things with certain situations that involved music and songs.  The musical aspect was consistent to him as far as what upset him, but it was not consistent to all music in general.  It was only certain situations and certain synchronizations and speaking in unison, or certain people mimicking a song. 



So, we brought up our concerns to his Pediatrician, at the time, and she gave us the number to Anne Arundel County’s Infants & Toddlers program (“ITP").  She said they offered an array of services, including speech therapy, and that they did specialize in autism and other developmental disorders.  Actually they specialized in pretty much everything it seemed.  They had a broad range of services.  I HIGHLY recommend the program to anyone.



Our first visit to Infants & Toddlers was less than beautiful.  It was me and Joshua in a small room with 2 or 3 other people and Joshua being confined in a corner of the room with a desk in front of him to try and keep him contained for some basic play-type activities and tests.  This was the initial “testing” to determine eligibility.  All of the ladies there were great, but it was overwhelming to Joshua (and me).  Since Joshua didn’t cooperate too greatly and was more disturbed with the confinement we didn’t get too far with showcasing his true abilities.  It wasn’t until one of the ladies turned on her iPad and gave him an alphabet activity that calmed him and captured his attention with delight.  Little did I know he would have an early love for electronic devices, and handle them pretty well, I should also add.  So, this iPad fun occurred towards the end of our meeting time, but they still got a little peak at this cute, sweet child of mine.

The program staff relied mostly on the 8 or so page detailed profile I completed at home and handed in during this initial meeting.  Joshua was determined eligible for the program and early childhood intervention (“ECI”) services could begin. 



We started with weekly 45-minute home sessions with an assigned specialist (special educator).  Heather was great.  Joshua liked her and even though he struggled a lot with adult-directed requests and activities, we still made progress.  I tried to use the picture schedule to complete 3 tasks at hand, and it was really, really hard.  Joshua did not want to do what we wanted him to do when we wanted him to do it… This has gotten so much better… but, back then, oh my.  He was so self-motivated and self-directed that it was difficult to take him out of context and into something different.  He was extremely rigid.  Routine and structure were super important to him, and still are.  But, with maturity, growth and tips, we can get around some of that now and it’s not as much of a meltdown.  I found now that explaining things ahead of time in detail to Joshua helps with flexibility of some things.  Joshua’s vocabulary improved greatly during the next several months and just continued to sky rocket beyond that.   



So, we saw Heather for about 5 months.  In between her visits we would sometimes get a visit from Dena, one of the Occupational Therapists.  Dena was fantastic.  Joshua immediately took to her and Dena could get him to do a lot more than anyone else could I guess because he meshed so well with her.  She got him to practice putting small items into containers (working with grasp and muscle control in his hands), touching putty, pulling it apart, and putting his hands and various toys into a container of dry beans or some other funny texture.  The looks on his face at these times were priceless.  He was so disgusted by the new feeling, but he did it! 



We also had a visit from the Program Director to discuss progress and satisfaction with the program and other services offered.  We finally decided sometime between December, 2011 and January, 2012 that we would start Joshua in one of the Classroom environments that ITP offered, with the thought that this would prepare him for Pre-School in the Fall of 2012 (My Church offers a Christian day school and they begin with P-3 for 3-year olds, then P-4, Kindergarten, and so on.) 



Joshua had to have another evaluation done (January, 2012) as part of the program.  They test every 6 months to determine continued eligibility. 

This time it was nice to have most of the testing take place during the home visits which it made much easier on Joshua.  Of course his tests showed improvement from the first one, but he was still eligible to receive services based on the program’s standards for child development.



It turned out there was an opening in one of the classrooms, beginning in February, 2012.  The classes are small (no more than 4 children per class), with 1 teacher per child.  The classrooms also have weekly visits from a Speech Pathologist and Occupational Therapist.  The class that had an opening was run by a teacher named MaDonna.  And, the class schedule would be Monday through Thursday (10:30a-12p).  The classes also ran through the summer months, which was GREAT! 



Joshua spent 6 months in MaDonna’s classroom and he just grew by leaps and bounds.  He had the schedule down and did great during circle time songs and stories (to my amazement).  Although he did not participate often with trying new things at snack time, he would still sit patiently and wait for his friends to finish.  They had a similar drop-off situation like St. Paul’s would have.  The only difference with ITP is that I would get Joshua out of his car seat, instead of the teachers like at St. Paul’s, but the teachers at ITP would walk him into the school/classroom.  I thought this was going to be an upsetting experience of separation at first, but Joshua did great.  It was patchy, but way better than what I built it up in my mind to be.  He was always happy and enthusiastic to go to “school”.  His class was at Point Pleasant Elementary in Glen Burnie.    



I was sad that Dena was not the OT assigned to Joshua’s classroom, but we couldn’t have gotten a better teacher in MaDonna.  It was just our luck her room had an opening at the time we needed.  She was wonderful and Joshua took to her immediately falling into her lap and giggling upon their first meeting at home.  During the 6 months Joshua was in ITP School MaDonna would come to my home once a month to discuss Joshua’s progress in the classroom and all his growth.  We would also talk about struggles in more detail and we would give each other feedback.  Sitting down with MaDonna was like sitting down with my own Mom.  She is a warm, kind, gentle woman who loves to laugh and was so tickled by Joshua’s personality and antics.  This was a blessing in so many ways, as my Mom’s health was declining all throughout this year and during my journey with Joshua.  I felt alone at times.  I still do.



I went to a few workshops that the program offered to parents.  There was one on sensory processing disorder, and while some of the traits in some of the categories could sorta fit Joshua, he did not fit squarely into any of the categories under SPD.  This was also true with the Autism Spectrum.  While there were some red flags when we began the program, a lot of those red flags were dissipating as services were obtained.  ECI is key to children’s continued positive development.  If Joshua were to be formally diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder (ASD), it would be minor and he would certainly be on the high-functioning end of the spectrum.  When I began ITP I thought diagnosis was a part of what they offered and since it had not been directly brought up to me or suggested, I was thinking we were on the right path with our current plan of services.  It wasn’t until later that I realized ITP did not offer Doctors authorized to give medical diagnosis –however, at one time they did.  It was up to me to decide to seek a diagnosis.  MaDonna did not encourage it as she saw the tools working so well for Joshua.  I was told you can go through so much with testing and appointments with one specialist and you may not even come out with a diagnosis if it’s borderline or just on the fringe like Joshua is.

He is excelling great in many avenues, especially at school, while still having some issues here and there (moreso at home) that are specific to him, but with the continued services, awareness and support, I think we will be ok.  But, I must strongly state that I am in no way afraid of a diagnosis.  In fact, I would welcome it.  I just want to do what is best for Joshua.  And, right now, I feel he is on the right path.  If he in any way falters or has greater disruptive issues develop in the future, I will certainly do what I need to do for my child. 



Once he “graduated” from ITP it was time to prepare for P-3!  I couldn’t be happier with his progress at the St. Paul’s Pre-School.  His teachers are incredible and he has grown the most this past year.  It is unbelievable. 



Since ITP ends at age 3, Joshua was tested again to determine if he would be bumped into the next bracket, the Three-to-Five program they call Child Find.  After that, it goes into grade school, and then high school.  All of these services are free –only eligibility is required by the State. 



Joshua was still under the radar on where he should be (but still improving), so we wrote up an Individualized Education Plan for Joshua (IEP).  He would have a special educator teacher come out to the pre-school once a week for general observation, and activities.  He would have a speech pathologist come out once every other week, and an occupational therapist once a month.  All three specialists would coordinate through me with the Teacher to pick a day & time to visit Joshua in the classroom at St. Paul’s.  So far all of the feedback I’m receiving is positive and progressive.  I will meet with Joshua’s specialists, the Child Find Director and Pre-School Teacher sometime in May to discuss his progress and continued services.   

I like all of his specialists, but especially the Speech Pathologist, Mr. Brian.  He is great with Joshua and I love his personality and demeanor. 



At first Joshua was only attending St. Paul’s 3 days a week (M-W-F, 8-11a), but after parent-teacher conferences, Joshua’s teacher recommended adding the other 2 days of the week due to all the specialists’ visits and sometimes their over-lapping visits.  So, we went ahead and signed Joshua up for all 5 days.  I was a little nervous at first, but he loves school so much I knew it was the right thing for him.  And, he loves it!



I could honestly share a lot more detail than this, but I think this is long enough… 
I should mention though, while a year ago we could barely walk into the sanctuary for a Church service, now Joshua can get through a service with relatively little difficulty.  He attends Chapel every Wednesday with his class.  I feel this has helped him become more familiar with the Church activities.  He has occasions where some of the unison speaking can be overwhelming for him, but he can handle it much better now.  



I don’t know what the future holds, and I still have some daily challenges with Joshua, but we manage, do the best we can, continue to educate ourselves and live our lives the best we can!  We Light it up Blue to show our support for the autism community and the friends we have made along the way, through our personal journey. 



Light it up Blue, 2013


 Turning 2 (July, 2011)

Spring, 2012

ITP, August, 2012
 
Meeting my new teachers
& classroom at St. Paul's!

Light it up Blue, April 2, 2013

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Truth



The truth is…
If someone asks if I’m ok the natural response is, “oh, I’m fine”.  That response is an easy way to keep the topic of “fine” from going any further.  If you say anything other than fine, you open yourself up to explanation and details.  That’s not exactly something I want to delve into regarding how I am with the fact that my Mom is gone.  The truth is I’m not fine at all.

The truth is that every day I have to struggle with the longing desire to pick up the phone and share my day you.  Every day I have to resist all of the thoughts I play in the “what-if” game.  I think about all the things we were going to do while I was starting and enjoying life as a Stay at Home Mom.  The truth is I don’t enjoy it as much anymore.  I feel very lonely in my everyday life.  I miss the possibilities.  I miss sharing future plans and ideas with you.  Next to Dad, you were a huge part of my everyday life.   

Things happen every single day that only highlight the fact that you aren’t here.  I’m trying to talk to you more out loud, but I’m not quite used to that yet.  I’m getting there.  Faith is believing.  So why not believe you can hear me.  You are very much alive in Jesus and if I can talk to him I must be able to talk to you, too.

It’s especially sad when Joshua talks about you.  He sees your picture and he says things about you.  I know he remembers the super special bond you two shared.  If you could only see him now and help me through times with him like you always did.  Some days I need you so bad I can do nothing but curl up into a ball and cry.  The sadness can be really overwhelming.  The only thing that brings me out of it is knowing the peace, happiness and joy you are feeling in your eternal existence.  I try to snap out of it and then often feel guilty for feeling so sorry for myself and my earthly loss and grief when you are surely having the time of your life.

I want to get passed this, but I don’t want to forget either.  I still think about so many things that include you.  You are everywhere I look in my home and in my life.  As time has moved on I almost feel like I’ve been missing you even more with each passing day.  I am not sure why it’s working out that way.  I don’t anticipate feeling a whole lot better about any of this until at least another year.  Maybe the dedication of the Epiphany Star will be a true healing point.        
But, everything between now and then is just way too overwhelming to think about.  I just miss you so much.  My biggest champion, encourager, supporter, best friend & best Mom.

The truth is my love for you still grows and so does the feeling of missing you. 

Mom & Me, 1980's :)
   


   

Friday, February 1, 2013

Happy Birthday, Mom



Happy Birthday, Mom,

I was cleaning out a couple of your dresser drawers the other day and I found a really nifty book light.  I have one, but I don’t like it that much.  I love yours!  I took it as a sign to start reading again. 

The last time I picked up a book was my plane ride to Florida for Lisa’s wedding.  Of course that resulted in Hurricane Sandy and then you passing away on my final unplanned night there.  I haven’t been able to pick up a book since then.  I feel like it was a subconscious way of me grieving, or feeling guilty “enjoying” a good book when you never will be able to again.  Of course I shouldn’t say that, no one can even fathom what the spiritual experience is like when your soul is with the Lord.  I bet God has plenty of magic up his sleeve.  Maybe you have an entire library of books to enjoy in heaven :)  I won’t know until I get there.  So until then…  

I think though, during the last year of your life, the idea that you couldn’t escape to a place in your mind where you could follow a story has affected my ability to enjoy a book too.  I have felt that has been extremely difficult for me to find that place too.  I am just not in a rested place in my mind to escape to that enjoyment needed to indulge in a good book.  I will get there soon.  I think you will light the way with my new little book light :)

I made a delicious chocolate cheesecake recently.  It was a recipe that you found in a magazine called “cherry chocolate pie” and you were planning to make it for a Tuesday night dinner one day.  I remember you were wondering if David would like it and I said I was pretty sure he would.  Well, he LOVED it!  It turned out excellent too.  I even impressed myself (and Dad, too)!  I found it in your kitchen cabinet, stuck inside a Phoebe mug that I bought for you to cheer you up a few years ago.  I decided to take the mug back for remembrance and then I found that pie recipe stuck in there.  This was one of the very last desserts you were going to make before you got real sick.  But, you never had the chance.

Okay, so that was a bunch of chatter I wrote last week waiting to post a new blog on your birthday.  Today is your earthly birthday.  I went to breakfast with Dad at the Grill and they had fresh carnations on the tables.  They were different shades of pink.  Carnations were one of your favorite flowers and I always bought you carnations for your birthday :)
 
This evening we invited Dad over our house for another iPad lesson and dinner from Gino’s!  You would have loved that restaurant re-opening in its original Glen Burnie location.  Dad said you two had many date nights there :) 

Dad sent out an email this morning to the children and families.  I will share it here because it was very special and really helps to put things in perspective and focus on the bigger picture. 

On another note, I will write a whole separate blog about my feelings, experiences and beliefs in the supernatural.  To believe in the supernatural is to believe in God and Heaven.  And, I believe through God all things are possible.  I think it’s even possible to talk to you in my dreams.  I think that’s the easiest way for two souls to make a connection.  I hope that I dream about you soon.  But, thank you for the little things that I have already felt with your presence and love in my daily life.  I miss your earthly presence so much, but, as Dad says I am happy for you now and it’s hard to be too sad all of the time. 

Hello Everyone,

Today, February 1st, would have been Nana's 67th earthly birthday.  Today is Nana's first birthday in heaven.  The Bible tells us that heaven is more wonderful than anything we can ever imagine.  We can be very happy for Nana today knowing her soul is free of all the physical & emotional pain and suffering she had been enduring since her last birthday and she is now celebrating her very first birthday as Saint Nana  with all the other Saints and Jesus in heaven. The New Testament mentions heaven 236 times and Jesus talks about heaven 131 times.  We can be sure it is the most wonderful place for anyone to be.  Even though Nana loved each of her children, grandchildren, grand godchildren, and great grandchildren and didn't want to leave them, God knew it was the best thing for her and we can be sure she is being one of the best Nana's in heaven for all the children that were called home to be with God this past year. 

Imagine the most happy, joyful, wonderful birthday parties you have ever had or been part of and you can be sure that Nana's first birthday in heaven is 1,000 times better than all of them put together.  We remember Pastor George's funeral sermon based on Psalm 116 verse 16: Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints. Happy Birthday Saint Nana! We miss you, we love you, and we are happy for you!