because you loved me.

Dear Mom,

Today I missed you a whole heck of a lot. 

Joshua and I had a meeting with his Occupational Therapist. It didn’t go so well. He was extremely self-guided with the activities, and it was so difficult to get him to complete some very simple tasks just because he didn’t want to listen. It was very stressful. At least Joshua shared, with the OT, his amazing visual and memory skills with his puzzles. 

In some ways, I feel like I’m getting ambushed with a new wave of services and re-writing goals and such where Joshua is concerned. But, we’ll see how it goes. Overall he’s still making progress and doing well in school. He just has a lot of things to work through (the quirks as we always called them -some sensory and fine motor). I know I have a part in this too and I need to repeatedly expose him to new things, as well as let go sometimes too, to encourage independence. Sometimes though, it is just about getting through the day.      

This feels similar to when Joshua began a new chapter in February with the Infants and Toddlers classroom. This was right when your sickness began, and then went downhill for 8 months. I feel so alone, like I felt back then. I could only share bits and pieces of information with you during that time because of what you were going through. There was so much I left out because I didn’t want to burden you with all I had going on with J. I masked much of my feelings about things I was dealing with as far as Joshua was concerned.  

I did it to protect you.

I remember a very specific time in early May (when you were at the first rehab center, which was a terrible experience I came to learn), but it was after the “Day out with Thomas” event that we took Joshua to. 

I remember telling you about it on the phone and just bursting into tears because of how difficult of a day it ended up being. It was nothing like I thought it was going to be -due to transitions, self-direction, and just the entire sights and sounds as a whole experience for Joshua I guess. Anyways, I felt so bad after our conversation because here you were sick and trying to recover in some bad rehab place and your daughter was crying on the phone and there was little you could do to comfort me when you needed the comfort more.  

I am sorry for that. 

That was the last time I ever truly showed you my stress and concerns with Joshua.  I just rode the roller coaster after that. 

After that time, I only responded to and shared with you specific things when you would ask me directly, unless it was positive of course.  I did have happy things to share. Otherwise, I didn’t make a big deal out of anything. I never wanted to cause you any unnecessary worry. I think you, in turn, did the same with me. Most often I did not even know or understand the extremities of your health and conditions until I would get the details in Dad’s updates. I realize now, you were protecting me too.  And, in some ways I guess I can thank you for that because it gave us the chance to have some very normal visits, like old times, when we would just share a coffee and talk about lighter topics.

I definitely miss being able to talk over things with you in depth and get your insight. I valued your opinion so much because you spent so much one on one time with Joshua on a repetitive, weekly basis. You knew him almost as well as I did.  In some ways, maybe even better. You always brought me back down to earth as far as he was concerned. Some days I feel like I’m just floating out in space trying to find a place to land. 

I miss you Mom.  Today, yesterday, and tomorrow.  But, not forever, as I will see you in our eternal forever.   

You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn't speak
You were my eyes when I couldn't see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn't reach
You gave me faith 'coz you believed
I'm everything I am
Because you loved me

You gave me wings and made me fly
You touched my hand I could touch the sky
I lost my faith, you gave it back to me
You said no star was out of reach
You stood by me and I stood tall
I had your love I had it all
I'm grateful for each day you gave me
Maybe I don't know that much
But I know this much is true
I was blessed because I was loved by you

-Celine Dion

 Baby Liz & Mommy <3 br="br">