Say Something

Dear Mom,

As my due date draws near, as I stumble upon obstacles with Joshua and David and daily life, as I anticipate the arrival of Miss Lydia, I miss you more and more {& more}...  

More than I thought I could miss anyone or anything.  Although, I know this is the deepest of my emotional pain that I have lived through in my personal experiences.  I know there are far deeper pains to be felt.  But, I can only share what I’m feeling and what I’m going through at this moment in time.

There’s a song I have been hearing on the radio.  The lyrics and music always bring me back to the last weeks of your earthly life.  I also just watched the video for the first time, it’s a beautiful portrayal.  It brings me back like this: 

{please view the video link at the bottom}

"Say Something" A Great Big World, featuring Christina Aguilera

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere I would've followed you. Oh-oh-oh-oh
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

Dear Joshua & Lydia...

December 21, 2013

Dear Joshua & baby Lydia,

I wanted to tell you a little bit about your Nana, Alexis Zaloudek.  Joshua had about 2 ½ great years bonding with Nana.  Unfortunately at the start of the year 2012 you were to turn 3 years old, Nana had been in/out of hospitals and rehabs, trying to get well enough to come back home, only she never did make it back home.  She went home to live with Jesus the day before Halloween, 2012.  Baby Lydia, you were conceived the following Spring, around Mother’s Day, 2013, and you are due right around Nana’s birthday (February 1^st).  I did not plan that by the way. 

 

Joshua – you had many happy memories of Nana as a little guy.  Nana (& Poppy) were with Mommy and Daddy when you were born in the hospital.  Even a year after Nana went to live with Jesus, you still thought Nana was at the hospital and had sometimes asked to go see her.  Nana always made you laugh and she loved being silly with you and making funny sounds and faces to bring a smile to your face.  She enjoyed seeing how much you were changing and growing just in the first few years she had with you.  It was almost like she knew she may not be around to see you grow up even more.  Sometimes she would be sad and cry saying that she’s afraid she won’t get to see you grow up into a little boy and young man.  Nana always made the most of the time she had with you.  Sometimes Nana would watch you so that Mommy could go to the store and get some shopping done, and I would often pick up breakfast or lunch for us, too.  Nana enjoyed learning colors and letters with you, and talking about your trains, and watching Thomas with you.  Phoebe, Nana & Poppy’s dachshund was also Nana’s best pal, and you have grown to love Phoebe too, although she’s getting older now and not running around as much as you might like her to.    

Baby Lydia – Nana always wanted Mommy to have a baby girl.  It’s such a blessing to find out I am having a little girl.  And especially with how fast the existence of you came about.  It was like you were just waiting for us.  I honestly couldn’t believe I was having a girl, so every sonogram I have had (which has been quite a few now) I have asked them to check and make sure it was really a girl.  This last sonogram at 32 weeks I’m completely convinced.  Thank you for cooperating for the best picture!  I am giving you the middle name, Alexis, after your Nana.  I am sad that you will never meet her during your earthly life, and I am sad that I don’t have my Mommy to be with me right now during my pregnancy with you and all of the wonderful moments that will soon follow.  I sit here and cry as I think of this, but I know Nana will be around.  Her spirit will always be with us, and one day when we meet Jesus too, Nana will be there with her angel wings to give us a great big hug and a kiss.

Poppy delivered a wonderfully written eulogy of Nana’s life and all about the woman she was here during her physical earthly life.  I have a recording of this on CD that you will be able to listen to one day.  But, I wanted to tell you a little bit about your Nana, Alexis in my own words…

Your Nana had such a beautiful, kind, loving, and most of all giving nature about her.  She loved God, loved her Church, loved her family & friends, and just loved life and laughter.  It was always fun to laugh with Nana.  I miss her laughter very much…it was very contagious!  I would laugh to tears at times when she & Poppy would carry on with one another.  I wish I could see your Poppy laugh that hard again. 

            

Nana was always looking out for others.  If someone in need crossed her path, she found a way to help.  It was just in her nature to do that.  And if she couldn’t physically do something, she would find a way to at least do the best she could depending on the situation.  I always admired Nana’s patience and grace about things.  I don’t ever remember her getting as frazzled as Mommy gets at times.  I guess you slow down a bit as time goes on, and you keep learning lessons even as adults.  Nana loved to read a lot, and she liked to sit outside on her back porch and watch Poppy work in the garden or the yard.  I liked to sit outside with her too and just talk.  She loved bright colors and Spring time or Fall time.  She loved to cook and try new recipes, too.  She was crafty as well and used to sew a lot; she also knitted and made ceramics.  She made several houses, trees and other things for the Christmas Gardens through the years.  We have several of them in our garden.  Nana loved to sing songs of praise to God and enjoyed worshiping on Sundays.  She enjoyed volunteering at the Christian day school when Mommy, Uncle Mike & Uncle Tim were little, and then went to volunteering in the Church office. 

           

The Epiphany Season is fast approaching as Christmas is immediately upon us now.  Epiphany is the season we celebrate in our Church immediately following Christmas.  It’s like the continuation of the revelation that Jesus came, as the son of God, in human flesh, as he was born into this world.  St. Paul’s will be dedicating a new Epiphany Star in memory of Nana, Alexis on January 5, 2014.  The star will hang until the end of each Epiphany Season which, for 2014, will be March 1^st-2^nd.   

Our hope and prayer is that we can have baby Lydia baptized on the final weekend Nana’s star will hang in the Church, at least during its first debut.  The Epiphany Star will be a 3D metal sculpture with many panels of stained glass, some with artistic symbols and drawings (the Wise men, the Crown, the Dove).  Colors represented will be gold, blue, pearl white and green.  And, it will be lit from the inside.  Magnificent and magical it will be.

Always know the hope, love, joy & peace from our Savior Jesus, and may you always feel Nana’s love through Him.  Faith is a beautiful thing.  Never lose that. 

        

Thankful for Thanksgivings Past

Thankful for Thanksgivings past & much more:

So, I noticed many of my friends on Facebook have taken part in the I’m Thankful For…” status posts each day leading up to Thanksgiving.  Normally I’d be all over this, as I enjoy taking part in things like that (photo challenges, daily status updates, etc.)  I’m even planning my “Liz’s 25 Days of Christmas” posts again starting December 1^st.  I did this once a couple years ago.  I will post a Christmas-themed question each day to see how everyone celebrates and what traditions they would like to share.  I enjoy reading everyone’s answers, who participates, as well as sharing my own. 

But, back to Thanksgiving…  For some particular reason I did not have any desire to post daily what I’m thankful for.  I feel that my regular facebook activity speaks volumes to that aspect.  Now sure it’s wonderful that everyone is posting and sharing and making public proclamations about their thankfulness (I love it for you)! 

I thought I would encompass as much as I could in this blog and relate how I think I portray this on Facebook.  I am thankful for my Lord and my faith as a Christian because I share regular bible passages, or verses to praise songs, or links to my Sisters in Christ page lifting others up and encouraging them.  I also offer prayers and words of encouragement to those who reach out, and I myself reach out for prayer requests from and to others.  I am thankful for my son and for being a Mommy by posting pictures of him, his art work, his achievements, and sharing his accomplishments at home or at school; I am thankful for the opportunity to have another child by posting photos of my growing belly and the anticipation and excitement of mother-hood (again); although I’m not always thankful for pregnancy :)  I am thankful for my husband by acknowledging his love and adoration, and flirting with him sometimes, too. ;) ;)   I am thankful for family because I post memories and blogs, and I post pictures of family vacations and time together.  I am thankful for my friends because I share status updates of quality girl-time, giving shout-outs when appropriate, and posting photos marking the occasions.  I also share links and photos with special friends/family when it pertains to them or when I see something that makes me think of them.  I am thankful for my Church and my son’s school because I am a fan of their pages and I support them by volunteering when I am able, and sharing ways others can help contribute.

I’m thankful for many other things as well, but I want to move on to my memories of Thanksgivings past.

I am about to have a Thanksgiving experience like I have never had before.  I’m going to be in another state… my husband’s home turf, Snellville, Georgia.  This will be the first time I have ever spent a Thanksgiving (or any major holiday) away from “home”.

I’m very excited for Joshua to have his first airplane ride, and I’m certainly excited for my In-Laws to have a chance to see me in real life (other than pictures) with my pregnant belly, at 30 weeks plump.  They didn’t have that opportunity the first go-around.  And I think it will be a good time.  I know it will mean a lot to them, and to my husband. 

But, at the same time, it forces me to reflect on how I came to this decision to spend Thanksgiving in Atlanta, and what I have left behind in my heart. 

Thanksgiving was always a wonderful time in my parent’s home, or more specifically -Mom’s kitchen.  Being away from home this year is just a sad reminder that my Mom is no longer here.  I never would have thought to leave her for any of the big holidays since each passing year I would take much more interest in helping her in any way that I could, to make the hosting and the holidays easier on her.

To be honest though, I wasn’t always ready to jump in and help (especially as a teen), but once I got going, I loved helping and just the atmosphere and the smells of my Mom’s prepped kitchen were awesome!  I would love to transform back for one moment just to experience the ambiance of it all and give my nose a treat.

I would help with the pies and the sauerkraut, the stuffing and the turkey (ok, not so much the turkey).  I always helped with the candied carrots and yams.  That’s about the only thing I can do well today on my own.  Although, I have the sauerkraut down now too (I think). 

I was never much of a cook, that was my Mom and her Grandmother (I think it skips a generation) –There may be hope for Lydia.  I did not follow in the natural footsteps of having a knack or interest for it.  Although I give it a good try when I feel motivated.  But, I miss my Mom’s cooking so much!

When I was little, Thanksgiving gatherings included extended family.  My parents would host and include Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and the like.  The first Thanksgivings I remember growing up were just like that, with my two older brothers of course.  My cousin Lindsey came along when I was 4 and then the family started growing.  My best memories of Thanksgiving as a kid definitely involved my cousin Lindsey and playing for hours :)

My Mom continued to host the whole group (sometimes as many as 20+) every year until finally it became too much for her to have the whole group, including extended family.  Just our immediate family was big! 

It's so hard to break a long-standing tradition, but it was time to break into smaller groups.   

My Mom hosted close to 30 years (or more) I’m sure.

This year in Atlanta will also be the first Thanksgiving I have ever eaten out at a restaurant.  We are planning to go to The Blue Willow Inn, a historical southern mansion located in Social Circle.  I’m excited for it, but it was so booked up on Thanksgiving Day that we had to make our reservations for 11a.m.!  It should be interesting.  Of course our main time will be spent with my In-Laws, but we will also visit with a few of David’s friends from High School and their children.  We also plan to visit Stone Mountain and ride the gondola up to the top, if the weather cooperates!

I’m still working on inputting most of my Mom’s recipes into a cookbook that will be made into digital format not only with the recipes themselves, but also historical notes and tidbits, as well as pictures.  It has taken a lot longer to work on it and organize it than I had originally thought, so I’m hoping by Easter, 2014 it will completed.  

I’m sure I will dream of the Thanksgiving smells and tastes that came from my Mom’s kitchen for many, many, many, many years.  I will think of my family back home having their different days planned out.  My Dad will be having Thanksgiving dinner with his Goddaughter and her family, but planning to visit my brothers to deliver advent gifts, as he has done each year.  I won’t ruin the surprise for them in case they read this blog, but I received my advent gift already.  Beautiful!  I hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving week.      

Thanksgiving, 2009

One year...

October 30, 2013

For the past 4 or 5 months I’ve started several new blogs to post, but they all seemed to be repeats of the same blogs I’ve already posted.  I still miss you; I still think about you every day; I still talk to you all the time.  I haven’t cried quite as much as before, but I cry when I think of how much I wish I had my best friend to share my babies, my proud moments, my fears, and my life.

It’s so clear how much of a support system you were to me in so many aspects of my life. It’s been hard on me without you, especially going through this new pregnancy and finding out I’m having a girl...  Not to mention the consistent challenges brought on daily with Joshua [but just as much as his achievements] It still remains –all these things I want to share with you in this earthly life, in the now.

I had Joshua’s parent-teacher conference and his teacher said she will place a book on an overhead projector so the whole class can see the page and she will ask Joshua to come up and read the page to the class because he’s the only one in the class who can do it.  You’d be so proud of him and all that he has accomplished so far. 

I try to remember that there is a way that I can still share all this with you and know that you are with us, just in a different way.  It’s hard to understand what your heavenly perspective is like.  There is no way for me to know that except have faith.  I am comforted knowing that your presence has never left, and will never leave me, or our family.  We all have a soul, a spirit, and that spirit lives on and has capabilities beyond human understanding.  That’s how amazing God is.  Faith.  Love.  Belief.  It’s incredible to have that and to know our souls will never part, in one way, and will then be reunited in another.  It’s an earthly perspective, and then a heavenly one.  

I also believe you have held the soul of my daughter before she was even conceived.  We learn that God knows everything about us and our life’s journey before we are even born.  That is how I know our souls are manifested in God’s pure light, in his image, as our destiny.  My daughter will be named after you.  Lydia Alexis.  Dad reminded me that you were also named after your Grandmother, Martha for a middle name.  I found the little notebook you had in one of your hospital rooms where you jotted down future baby names for my second child.  Elijah James for a boy, and Lydia ________, for a girl.  We were playing around with charmed names like Paige and Prudence [of course]. 

I know you always liked the name Grace.

It’s funny how things turn out.

Sometimes all I crave is to hear your voice, or feel your hugs, or hear your laughter.  Sometimes I hear it in my head, but I want to experience it again in real time.  Every time I open your armoire I smell your perfume.  I’m pretty sure it’s forever engrained inside those drawers.  I certainly miss sharing everything with you and getting to tell you all about my daily journey as a Mom.

I still have so much to experience and to learn as a parent and I’m sad that you aren’t still around for a little more of it.    

Today Dad and I went to see the first sneak peak of the Epiphany Star progress.  I can’t wait to see it completed in its magnificence.  What a sight it will be at St. Paul’s.  My hope is that I will have the opportunity to have Lydia baptized while your star still shines for the first Epiphany Season of its beautiful life in our Church.  The stars are aligning with many things… how it took no time at all for me to conceive, which was around Mother’s Day, how I’m due around your birthday, how the Epiphany Season this particular year is lasting the longest it can last [8 weeks], when it’s sometimes as short as 4, but this is making it possible to have Lydia baptized under Nana’s star.  It’s very magical to me, so I’m trying hard to make it happen.  I also know I always need a plan b, so I’m learning to go with the flow on some things too. 

From my soul to yours, always connected in love.

I love you, Mom.  Forever & always.         

Beautiful & Happy Wedding Day, In your prime:  October 22, 1966.